TOO FUNNY 4 TEARS

Posted in Uncategorized on October 16, 2009 by vipp3r

Nemanja Vidic

When Nemanja Vidic does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

The chief export of Nemanja Vidic is Pain.

If you beat a team containing Nemanja Vidic in Pro Evo it will cause your PS2 to blow up.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Nemanja Vidic could use to kill you – including the room itself.

Nemanja Vidic once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.

For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Nemanja Vidic, each testicle is larger than the other one.

Nemanja Vidic grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.

Nemanja Vidic once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. It made him blink.

Nemanja Vidic played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

Nemanja Vidic puts the “laughter” in “manslaughter”.

Nemanja Vidic hates The Beatles; two to go.

Nemanja Vidic crossed the road. Nobody has ever dared question his motives.

Nemanja Vidic died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can’t get up the courage to tell him.

Nemaja Vidic once woke up in a foul mood. The result was the Yugoslav wars.

Some people get lucky and kill two birds with one stone. Vidic once killed four birds with half a stone.
What’s that? You say there’s no such thing as half a stone? The four dead birds didn’t think so either

Fergie didn’t drop Darren Fletcher, Nemanja Vidic dropped Darren Fletcher.

Nemanja Vidic doesn’t mark players, he permanently stamps them.

Nemanja Vidic once turned up for training late – Fergie fined the rest of the team for being early.

Nemanja Vidic doesn’t head the ball away, the ball heads the other way.

Nemanja Vidic can slam revolving doors. The ‘big bang’ was a Nemanja Vidic tackle.

Nemanja Vidic and Superman once arm-wrestled. The loser had to wear his underwear on the outside of his trousers.

Nemanja Vidic once visited the Virgin Islands . They are now The Islands.

The Black Eyed Peas were just The Peas until Nemanja Vidic heard their music.

There are no such thing as lesbians, just women who never met Nemanja Vidic.

The truth may hurt, but it doesn’t hurt as much as Nemanja Vidic.

Nemanja Vidic’s tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Nemanja Vidic, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.

Elton John oce met Nemanja Vidic, he is now gay

if you have £5 and Vidic has £5, Nemanja Vidic has more money than you

Nemanja Vidic sent Jesus a birthday card on December 25th and it wasn’t Jesus’ birthday. Jesus was to scared to correct him and to this day December 25th is known as Jesus’ birthday.

Nemanja Vidic once kicked a baby elephant into puberty

If Nemanja Vidic is late, time slows down

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Nemanja Vidic!

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Nemanja Vidic has allowed to live.

Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet with Nmenaja Vidic

Kids can write their name in snow, Nemanja Vidic can write his name in concrete

Nemanja Vidic has counted to infinity….twice.

Nemanja Vidic lost his virginity before his father did

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LUST

Posted in Uncategorized on October 16, 2009 by vipp3r

it starts out innocuously
you see her across the room
you look once
then look away
afraid she might see
or feel
the effect
she has on you
you feel her gaze
so you look up
is she smiling?
are you blushing?
you look up again
slowly
she IS smiling
shyly she looks down
trying to avoid your gaze
your eyes follow her movement
then you notice them
graciously moving
up and down
you are transfixed
you follow their movement
up and down
you become one
up and down
she looks up again
catches you staring
but you can’t help yourself
like you are in a trance
her smile broadens
more welcoming
you smile
trying to gather your thoughts
she smiles more
inviting
you move closer
you can now smell her
that sweet aroma
you inhale it
savour it
she says hi
your mind goes blank
and you cannot respond
you know what to say
but just can’t find the words
she takes a deep breathe
almost like a sigh
she leans back
they look inflated
your eyes remain glued
up and down
as she exhales
watches you
crosses her legs
revealing them
those thighs…
you catch your breathe
almost choke
as you attention is diverted
she follows your gaze
smiles again
recognizing her effect
and loves it
slowly she bites her lip
and moves closer
you lean in slightly
your hands brush against each other
so slightly
it is hardly discernable
then she slowly
places her hand on yours
with her finger
she make little circles
then gently takes your hand
and places it there
right there
on her thigh
you feel
that smooth skin
take a deep breath
enjoy the feeling
for a moment or two
then you move on
first lower
then higher
and higher
and higher still
as her legs part
slowly
welcoming
as you move higher
you hear it
that silent gasp
that must be it
that must be the spot
so you gently caress it
slowly up and down
then in small circles
her face is now inches away
you can feel her breathe
moaning softly
just before your lips touch
she whispers
‘more…’

b.c. 23/10/2008

ASS $ DAYS

Posted in Uncategorized on September 24, 2009 by vipp3r

ps not my litreature just picked it up thot it was good enuff to share

I wonder how she would look naked’ was the first thought that crossed my mind when I first set my eyes on her. She had just dropped her cell-phone and she bend over hurriedly to pick it leaving my innocent eyes with no choice but to look at her heart shaped derriere.

If they say men think 50,000 thoughts a day, there was no way any of the other 49,999 thoughts would top the thought that I just had after that incident in the hotel restaurant. Some women put the danger in the word dangerous.

I was in Kisumu for a few days and was seething at the treatment I had received during the last three hours. The plane that I had booked had tried to bump me off after some more prominent Kenyans felt they deserved to be on the plane as they were expected by their constituents during the funeral rituals that they seemingly must attend each weekend.

No perfect imagery was necessary for the telling fact that the people we elected are more prominent when they come to bury us. There must be something we aren’t doing right!

I had checked into the hotel only to learn that they weren’t spared the electricity rationing that was still ongoing in this land. My laptop battery was as flat as my intern’s chest it gets and that meant that any last minute additions to my pilot script of the TV series were going to be on hold.

I had gone over to the restaurant and was sipping the rather horrid tasting strawberry iced tea on the account of the hot sun and engaging in flirtexting when my activity was interrupted by the curvaceous work-of-art woman. I wished my textual conversation had such an effect on a woman; making her phone drop in shock.

As she got back into a homo-erectus position, she, who had just been in a hum-dinger position glanced around with a half-smile playing on her face. If those Kenya Power and Lighting Company people had an iota of seriousness, they would tap all that brightness from that smile and generate enough electricity to make me charge my battery.

She walked over to the counter at the entry of the restaurant, let a few words elope from her mouth to the waiters ear -and only the waiters ear- and then pulled out a piece of paper from her bag and handed the piece of paper to the waiter. She pointed at her glittery watch and then she caused her hips to sashay out.

Interesting. There was need to waste a few more thoughts about the contents of the piece of paper but the iced tea tasted even worse and I decided to push it away. There was a newspaper at the table and I decided to while away my non-electric time.

Unfortunately, the newspapers continue to carry the same inane stories about the political circus.

‘What sort of name is Smokin?’ I thought to myself as the left side of my brain went: Guess the Kenya Anti Corruption Commission is now a ‘No Smokin Zone’!

I may have been engrossed in one or two more stories because when I looked up, there seemed to be some darkness creeping into the room. I tossed the newspaper back and it went over the table and landed at the feet of some guy who was walking in.

‘Hii stima inarudi saa ngapi!’ he thundered at the counter in quite an animated voice.

I had been asking myself the same question and I thought it wise to voice that fact.

“Alloys,” he said and offered his hand.

I often don’t press the flesh because it it so politician-like but in this case, I thought about the hand sanitizer up in the room and I said, what the heck. I also introduced myself.

“Good to meet you brother,” he said and shouted at the waiter to come over. Before long, some beer bottles introduced themselves to our table.

Before much longer, politics wormed its way into the conversation. Alloys was complaining how the crass ‘political class’ was playing with our lives. Apparently, he informed me that there was no consensus on the constitution that was being written.

“Recently, the Experts were at the Coast with political parties and they couldn’t even agree on whether Miguna and Kivutha should be part of the process. Who are those two anyways?”

Come on.

“They are the Principal’s Advisers on Constitutional Affairs!” I said.

Alloys didn’t even miss a beat.

“All the affairs that I have had are constitutional!”

Inevitably, the conversation entered the sphere of legality or otherwise of affairs. Alloys said that he was married but he was in town to spend time with a girlfriend. He let out a rich laugh and ordered another beer.

“It doesn’t bother you?” I asked.

You could discern that he was least bothered. And he went on to boast how he could never live in a country like Uganda that had tried to tinker with laws forbidding adultery.

“When I was in the States, I tried out the services offered under the website Ashley Madison. That kind of an open society pleases me! But it was expensive!”

I had come across the website after reading an Intellectual Property Law magazine that discussed their slogan: LIFE IS SHORT. HAVE AN AFFAIR.

Hmmm. Hmmm? Hmmm.

This was one to keep. I don’t know how to say this in a PC kind of way, but Alloys had the words ‘Potential Client’ written all over him. What next? Life is short, kill your rich dad?

“Auma is the name of the woman that I came here to see,” he said. “Well, not really to see, but to… you know…”

Life is short. Finish your sentences.

“I met her at a seminar,” he continued. “It was perhaps purely accidental but those who say a human can visually undress another and thereby make imaginary love at first sight were onto something that only Wet Wet Wet could surmise. I felt in my fingers, felt it in my toes and if she hadn’t quickly looked up, the feeling in my shorts would have grown”.

Tell me about it. I almost had one of those when I got where we were, I silently thought.

“It is…” I started but was brought to a halt when the lights came back on and there was a collective yelp from everybody in the place.

“My brother,” Alloys said. “This is going to be a lovely night. You know, in my community, you don’t eat in the dark. If you know what I mean!” and he laughed.

“I think I should get going so that I can charge my laptop,” I told him. I also really just wanted to get out of the scenery and take a shower.

“Hey Waiter!” Alloys shouted. “Bring me the room keys from the reception!”

The waiter asked him what room number he was booked into and he said it was 409.

Strange, I was in 410.

“Did you say 409?” the waiter asked. “I think there is a lady who left a message for you at the Counter”.

Strange, I saw a lady leave a message at the counter.

“And you idiots didn’t tell me!” Alloys frowned and asked for his message to be brought. His face looked mid thirtyish and he had some furrows across his forehead that multiplied when he frowned.

The frown dissolved into a smile as he read the message.

“She was here!” he announced and frantically reached for his cell phone. There was boyish excitement as he informed the party who picked the phone on the other end that he was at the hotel. “OK, I will see you shortly.”

Strange, some people call me OK.

We walked up to the rooms and I wished him a shagadelic night.

I had barely opened my suitcase when I heard a knock at the door.

I hadn’t ordered any room service. But that puzzle was to end as soon as opened the door to find Alloys standing there.

“Hey brother… do you have some merchandise?” he asked me.

Merchandise?

“I mean, condoms. I don’t want to rush to the supermarket now! You never know, these fellows could have stocked the Hot Contempo range!”

I didn’t have any merchandise.

“Oh damn”, he said and threw his hands in the air. “I have to go!”

I plugged the laptop and switched on the television and started channel surfing. There were the usual boring stories on the NEWS and a few uninteresting series going on. My new TV series had to be better than these series, Thought Number 49,800 for the day or somewhere close registered on my mind.

I then dialed for room service and placed my order after I finished my shower.

I may have dozed off because the next thing I heard was pounding on my door.

“Heeey,” I remarked and went over to open the door with my lips ready to utter the words: ‘Why did it take you so long’ to the Room Service chap.

Only it was not Room Service. It was Alloys! Naked! Well, almost naked, since he was wearing merchandise.

“Help me, please” he said. “Auma… she is not breathing!”

WHAT?!!

I followed him to his room and there lying naked on the bed was the same woman I had seen in the restaurant. Boy oh boy. Turned out that she had started breathing fast as Alloys touched and caressed her and he thought it was the usual excitement associated with love-making but when she went quiet then limp, it occurred to him that she was having some seizure. It was as if the lady of our dreams had misread the tagline to LIFE IS SHORT. HAVE AN ATTACK.

A panic-stricken Alloys had tried to revive her before running out to call for help.

It is a pity. Nobody teaches us what to do when someone on top of or under you suffers an epileptic fit or asthmatic attack.

It was also a lesson for me. Be careful what you wish for!

to my FUNDS (FANS)

Posted in Uncategorized on September 19, 2009 by vipp3r

ever felt like ur talking to urself this is it…. smiley face side ways { 🙂 } if u dont get it yet u should be wearing a helmet….. and still if u dont ….. we should switch lifes anywhooo b4 i 4get if here is any fanbase left … and me saying this is lke jesus sayinng LOL TTYL WTF. its ight now but its in aproprite then.most of the the blogs i right am btwn lvl 2 – lvl 5 high today am lvl 15 but shiet if there fans b sure am baq ……..

Posted in Uncategorized on May 29, 2009 by vipp3r

FCUK U P4WN3D things that i bout me hmmm

1:)As all who know me ,one thing is constant . I JUS LOVE THE BOOZE.i love alcohol so much that i can build a cult and dwell in it. here is how i fell in love with alc .wen i was 5yrs i went to amusement park got in the merrigo round got out feeling marvelous and wondered if there was some genius concoction to maintain the feeling and 6yrs later walla i started drinking,am(am hopping all that read this blogs don’t have the maths skill otherwise i sound like a disguise to society fabric… wooooiiii) but all in all am a functioning alcoholic.like some people need prayer and love to make meaning to their life. i just need pombe in ma lap.something that takes ma brain places.not something that makes me think about places….lol

2:) Am the laziest functioning man alive.i got my own house wen i was 19yrs jus coz wen i drink for like 5days in a row i dont need someone to tell me to do something for the next 24hrs.examples of my laziness

i:)once i lost my remote to the TV i jus dragged my sofa next to the TV rather than looking for the remote

ii:)when i get out of jobo and get in the house i find it easier just to remove my trouser and leave it @ the door, so that wen am leaving next day for jobo my car keys money wallet and phone is on my way out.

iii:)i once got into a fight with my chick, wen i was in a bar.and i jus had to get a hoe than apologize to her.not that am lazy its much easier .

iv:)i dont text to much work for my fingers period.

v:)in Campo i figured out its easier to kiss the geeks ass 4 1hr a day than to attend my lectures the whole sunlight time,and i got my degree hence the name functioning lazy ass.

3:) i function well @ night am nocturnal in my house has tvlight and computer to light it up..the only thing that has light in ma house is the fridge and my bathroom something about darkness and black jus thrill me.

4:)am not a people person… its jus not in ma DNA. everyone i know i have to meet them thru people i already know and i knew them thru the same process.and most people always mistake me for one of the three.snob,ass or shy. but thats them nothing funny to add to this so moving on smoothly

5:)i hate ignorance E.G racism,tribalism and anything that makes u hate a person for their choice .if u jus bring that up in me its like zero time and space 4 u.am already angry thinking bout it,be it against ethist gay,anything that stupid i jus cant stand people that ignorant

6:)i hate wen guys call women hoez or loose just because they gave a guy some.if u dint pay for sex don’t ever call a chick loose coz i love sex and if a chick has the same sex drive i have,i think she should pursue her happiness and hold her head high as is every other guy.most of my best friends are chicks lesbians and very sexually active and they are the realest people to hang out with.they have gotten me laid mo than the sabina joy cheap drill joint….lol

7:)i have problem with authority jus not good at orders,feel like invasion of my mind.the only authority i listen to is gover jus coz am scared of jail and gettin my ass virginity broken.coz i aint muscle so as long as am in jail i know ill be a bitch so 4 that reason i obey the gover,

8:)i love dumb beautiful gals with a passion ,,,,,, some friends of mine say i love them coz they make me feel smart.some say i love them coz they are easy to lay but… (am jus sayin am not sure but i just think its art from GOD jus the same way u look at art and say wtf all this cash for this and another guys says some shit bout colour and deph thats me with the artistic eye on deciphering god artwork)i really think god is a stand up comic in he’s day time job

9:) i love my sister to death more than my parents and even God .Coz i believe that people or gods that help u wen ur in ur on the edge of extinction deserve my life.other than some imaginary friend,society believe in.or people am supposed to respect due to society dictation (parents),, Am jus one bloody rational .believe in wot u put in and result and get my judgment…

10:)this last one is hard .funny how the net spoils and makes people am the latter met this guy on the NET back in the days L.I.R and he just gave me a new perspective in life and promoted some healthy competition.thru this i graduated had no job ,then he challenged me,and me being the non looser i am,he offered me to buy drinks and this was the same brink ass i knew now he was makin 30G’s after campo and am hustling for 100ksh to buy a K.E=65 and keg 25 to get me mind be running…lol . jus provoked me and did shit right left centre and gues what i earn mo than the motherfucker earn,though am no longer in my beloved country Kenya but am making mo money than the bugger. now our next goal is to retire by 30 as millionaires and MOF coz i know u be reading this get ready to loose ….

NB: this is the most i have felt invaded after that nite at lidos the strippers wekad me on the pole and violated me… dude talk bout getting molested ….lol nice bday though,SKAY of wazanasi can testify to this heheheheh

and this should explian why i dont spell check my blog so if u got shidas fuck u …….LOl

TILL DEATH…..

Posted in Uncategorized on May 13, 2009 by vipp3r

walla i gues this blogging ish is turning out to be as strainious as Home Work. …anywhoo this weekend was a fun weekend coz it was jus grait…..hehehe  i atended a wedding of ma cuzos EX Gfriend… getting maried by  a former skool mate.So here is how the two lovely Birds MET hoping that none of the people who know them ever stumble upon this.here it goes

Once upon a time the bride use to be a loose plan for ma cuzo who is married  and after a while she decided the loose clande part was not good enuff and tried to pindua serikali… but long story she my cuzo decided the best way to get rid of her is dump her was to pigia the classmate a through pass and thats how the fairy tale begun…..????(but am guesin this is not the version they would tell their kids….lol)

Anywho the wedding

9am- my cuzo pick me up and we head to the brides Digs ,we get a phone call from the groom to pick up her mother ,and of we leave camera equipped and bottle of some cheap ass BACARDI SUPREME  and some good shit RED WINE(which for me i think its overprised cause all wine taste the same and leave u with a nasty hangy) we fika the grooms house every guy in there look hangied and half dead but surprising all dressed up and taking a nap ,it easy to tell they had a Good beachelor party.anywho pick up the mom take her to the digz do the kikuyu tradition stuff which made the neighbors in this obama land think we were bout to perfom a linching or some cult thingy

everyone heads to church and coz nowdays am a self proclaimed Ethist, i go to were i find ma peace liquor store

12noon

my phone rings and my cuzo is cursing me out @ the other end coz i left guest there while i was supposed to beba them to reception drive there quick found everyone has left and head to the reception  but stopped in a bar on my way there…(go figure) , am all fired up to meet some nice kenyan ass coz trangley enuff they dont have them in the menu @ my local pub.Me drooling claws shappened ready for some optical nutrition so…. get in with my bottle of maji but with the sweet Waters inside(POMBE) spot a chick like 6foot thee big booty small frame long hair ,and thot thats was enuff for optical nutrition,decide to make her the meat for the day

3.30pm

something something  the Tall brod said and then some lequoir and jus like that  we are on the same page and am very atentive.after  awhile i get my stach we start drinkin forget the wedding couple of  other brods join us,before we know it the wedding is  up and people are getting ready to leave and suddenly people think am the one with the planner for the evening party …blaaah blaaah blaaah, i get numbers and make plans to visit a couple of brods which is pure bull ,because there is know way am flyn to a dfrnt state to meet the same brod… nah …. not me

suddenly 8.30pm

we are at the marriage victim crib people are changing gals putting mad make up on ,while me to my true self jus getting busy with ma beloved alc… by this time i had no idea wat i was drinking coz all the liquor was in plastick bottles.maybe there was some changaaa…lol but wen u having fun and getting high who need to know wat u drinking…..lol

11pm

we are at this club SEATLE very nice club based on some frosty beeds theme, and it has like 80% Asians hot mummies ,Me and my small head forget my mother land mammies get onto hunting some fresh loosly laced drunk asian mamies,while occasionaly revisiting my beloved gals,long story short i got a degree(for the slow ones HEAD) and got busted by some kenyan mamiz who decided to bitch bout it,though i jus meet her few hours ago and ,i havent put a ring on her finger.she decides to make a commitee to the  kenyan mamiz that i apologise to them for being rude and some bullshit.me beeing the gentleman i am ,i ask for a minute to get ma head and speech strait

3,30am

I gather my cuzo and flee the club like a refugee…lol (funny how i apologise  to strangers who i met few minutes ago and are leaving in few hours to come.). i jus think the ladys had some cheap drugs or they were jus high on some female homones that i was not willing to findout.


4.00am

ME hungry ,my cuzo and a friend of his who is as slow as they come decided he will be buying us breakfast.and in turn tell him wat me and my cuzo do to command that much attention .my cuzo beeing the theiry guy decides to give out the lecture,am sitting there hungry almost blacking out ,while i spot some fuckin hooooooooT mamiz  dressed to kill .and i notify ema fellow drankards and ma cuzo being the teacher tells the guy to go try vybe them,the guy says how,and  am told to go show him how……………………………..


8.30a

My stomach is rumbling and  i wake up drunk and half naked (figure out which half….lol)am in bed alone but its not my bed ,(note to self: whehe what the hell did u u get Self into……lol  laugh)

stand up on the bed hit myself on the low hanging light ,some brod walks in and can baerly contain her laughter,she looks familiar so i assume she the gal from the food place,and the 1st thing she says is MOI  are u sure ur going to work @9.30  (note to self u funny bastards the best fake name i could come up with was for MZEE DANIEL ARAP MOI not bad).

ME TO Brod who am scared to ask her name ? did we do it?

she laughs and says get ready ill drop u home as i promised,.

{note to self this is how it feels to be chips funga,but atleast am getting a ride home}


NB:it sucks to be CHIPS FUNGA and mad respect to all the gals who do this

2:)  i actually think no man should ever call a chick a whore unless she pays cash 5mins b4 sex(am defendind ma self…lol)

3:) never get drunk and  be a chips funga if your working the next day(almost got fired when i was busted taking a nap in the washrooms…..LOL)


BAADAYE



my blogrollers BEEF(NGOMBE)

Posted in Uncategorized on April 10, 2009 by vipp3r

WTF yes am pissed in opening the blog and find that in ma blog roll there is not even one MOF who has written shit in like 2months know ….???? coincidence…..hmmmm!!! i don’t think so wot the hell is going on can it be everyone got a brain freeze @ the same time or….. here is what i think happened to each one of them..

KD… = i think KD moved out of her mom house and also out of The closet so im guesin shes to tired to type coz her fingers B doing the walkin HEHEHEHHE HAHAHAHHAHA

ORINEUR (or something close to that)= this am not sure but rumour has it that she had a freak accident and her brain accidentally fell into her TUMBO……lol

CHIQUITA === I THINK SHE QUIT AHHHHH……!!!! LOL

==============================================
men
======================
Archer = i think this guy lost his man bag and with it went hes ideas brain and confidence ….. hehehehe

Bella== this guy is suffering from lack of NAps and some emotional commitment that and according to he’s blog it safe to say BELLA =NAPS + NO WOMEN+ POOR PERFOMANCE IN BED + LOOSE PLANS
easily put remove one element and hes NUTS (BALLLS)……. LOL

P4WNED= this am true to this guy is suffering from pussy lashes of the nyahunyoz (whipps ) talk bout a chick grabbing a nigga buy the balls… to p4wned …. nigga ur PUSSy……LOL

GREAMHOUZE= rumour has it his waiting for his big comeback on mothers day no idea why but thats true….LOL

=============================================

and with the apove am off to a dark HOLE to hide….. LOL

SEE YAH

freestyle

Posted in Uncategorized on March 28, 2009 by vipp3r

!st am tired of saying sorry and promising to update  my blog on the regular,am turning out to be like one of those kenyan politicians who promise piped milk to our nyumbas and ma stupid self go erly in the morning to vote for them,but alas evertime i turn on the shower theirs is never milk….hmmm ATA MAJI…??? THE motherfuckers and with that ,i have decided that i will frame my toe nails and my voting card together coz both of them have no effect in bringing change to our beloved motherland anyway… before i loose my train of thought,some friend of mine just told me that if i could remove alchohol related incident i would have had such a boring life…………………… to which i said the sky is blue and JOhn paul is Cathlic  ,


the thing is i have been repeating myself to all my friends that alchol is prove that God wants Mankind to be happy.to which she saud  “what bout hangovers”  (and in the back of my head i was going like all of the -ve stuff society has,the best she could come up was HANGOVER!!??) so i smiled and i said thats a small price to the happy stories experiences and LUCKY chips funga i will be having.in short cause and effect.she was determined to keep up the argument,though she was easy to crush i realy enjoy seeing preety girls jus make a fool of themselves,so i she goes ahead and tells me name one downside in being sa sober upright person.My response to this… with a crooked smile and a smack, and before i could open my mouth she points at a scur i got wen i took one two many shots of the GREY GOOSE while sitting in the bar stool and she acted like it was a big  deal.but i always  love my drunked motto for any scurs i get. I DO NOT HAVE A DRINKING PROBLEM…. I DRINK I FALL DOWN NO PROBLEM!!! ..so she sucker punches me in the balls and tells me to get serious.


So i start 1st of all all sober people are boring and really lonely and depressed.she asks… gimme an example …. YOU (with both my hands protecting my nuts) and she says dont worry i wount hurt the only thing that i like bout u…. which makes my thoughts skatter and now try to realy ombet some pudesh that i have been hangin around instead of kulaing it.IN my defense i used to date her aunt so as a favor to her aunt…..(what the hell … who am i kiddin i was jus to damn to see a pussy infront of me….lol)


now that this story is unveiling more than i was willing i should samarise with this


Moral of the story :

1)  dont ever argue with girls they always have a secret weapon.

2:) nyani haoni kundule

3:) aliyembali hangukiwi na mti

4) wen the goin get tough kill two birds with one huge stone and make hey while the sun shines


NB disregard numbers 2,3,4  thank u Piece

Just got marked

Posted in Uncategorized on March 3, 2009 by vipp3r

just so that i posted a reminder on this topic and actualy never wrote anything bout it… woooi am startin to feel woishe 4 myself ,. coz if am gettin amnesia  this early….  anywhooo here is the story

it was a day b4 valentine am in the house playin with ma toy (playstation b4 u get any ideas)and feel a certain thirst that only beer can quench.puut on my jacket empty ma wallet and remain with enuff money to buy me the amount of beer that i need to drink that day.stroll to the local which is just a stone throw away from were i leave,hence beatin the purpose  of leavin some cash in the hopuse,but its always better to lie to urself.as am bout to get in the pub , A friend of mine calls.she decided since her car radio dont work,that i will be the entertainment wen she drives around.

she goes “harro”

me: I hope ur dieing coz i have a very important meeting with stacey (BEER).u have five sec

she:  yaani u put ur booze  before me?

Me:YES . 3,2,1 bye ur time is up

i hang up get in the local which i love ,coz the bartender really know how to make u feel at BAR…lol she poors my usual poison  get to my usual corner behind the trfaffic light(the bar has a traffic light wen its green u can buy drinks YELLOW: last call  RED: no more booze on sale go home)i sip my 1st jag  of BUD jus shootin pool with some old lads who are whippin my ass thoroughly @ the game, and i decide to stick to what i do best or is it second best after screwwing hmmm. head back to the traffic light sit my ass down and this chick comes sstrait ,she had a nice body and the face  face was quite okay considering the time on the clock 12:02am@  and this is how the conversation went

she : can i whisper something in your ear

me (very puzzled): Sure y not

she : Wanna see a cool trick

me(very very puzzled :Sure

SHE : before i show u the trick  can i get my drink and  join u.

me(very happy):okay,but am leaving in like ten minutes.

she(leaning next to my year ): whatever we are goin to do wont take that ,she places he hand just above my lap ,

me(very blank): eeh i hope we talking bout  the chicken and the agg cause that takes mo than ten minutes.

she(laughing sheeplishly)  : ur funny i like that for 20$ u have 2hrs with me,so finish up ur drink,buy me a screwdriver and we are off.

me(very shocked)  :Did u jus…..

she:what!!!  with a crooked smile and sizing me up

Me((after sipping ma drink) :gimme a sec  ill be reight back…

i so ducked out of the bar  run home and hid under the secure confines of my blankets. which later i found funny that  i always find ma security under the blankets huh…   I GUESS THATS HOW THE COOKIE CRUMBLES(i know this doesnt fit here but i have been dieing to use it and the opourtunity never arose and am tired . so there it is mta duuu whaaat????)

BIG HEAD SMALL HEAD….????

Posted in Uncategorized on February 17, 2009 by vipp3r

of late i have been having this add time in ma hands but have accomplished zero.i even was enable to publish a single blog.and the fact bout publishing blogs was n0t being helped by some stupid people tagging u and telling u to write 25 thing sijui bout what…. (U know ur self u bastard…hehehhe)   the mad time  in my life has been sponsored by nature lesson inco. hehehe . i always believing in in the simplest of saying  WHAT DOESN’T KILL U WILL MAKE U STRONGER..  so every bad shit that happens to me i decide to learn from it and make sure it doesn’t hit me twice.its simple but a perfect way to leave     4ME .in short i was fired or something close to that due to some ripple effect.cause and effect… late last year just a day or two after the birthday of the messiah i decried to answer the F.A.Q by most retards… how many beers can u take to get u high?{ i put it in yellow to symbolize the blondness of this Q} so me moving to a new state in this obama land i decided to take on this stupidest challenge and drowned my 12pac  while talking to ma pal  who’s a chiq but i highly doubt… reason being she marks chiq like i do talks and is cool like most guys drinks almost like i do,which is a compliment if u know how much i love my beloved booze.. so i call her  and we talk and i finish my 1st 12 pack, go for a 40 oz booze and buy 2 and  down them.Go back to the liquor store buy a six pack down it.while am still talking to my female /MALE friend…. heheheh (if she reads this;  …here is my wheel…..LOL)

so all in all i sipped a lot of beer which i lost count of…: hence proving my point who counts while u having fun….anywhooo… baq to cause and effect,after this i decided to stop drinking for six month… and the whole of Jan and end of last year i was working my ass off but due to my lack of drinking my sex crave grew tremendously but ,and the new work place had this HINDU female boss fly ass us hell and she was married to a military man,had a son who’s like twenty years ild. but she was a flirt and very alfa female,so with time she decided to sumbua me in the 2nd week in.she is a good story teller ad am a good listener… and show we became tight,so we flirted our way through just the usual and she always hanging around were am working,which is somewhere close to mtu wa mikono hehehhe,but that’s neither here nor there,so with time we established a Plato until the boss pulled a fast one on me and on a weekend she followed  me to the gents,snack one wet one on the lips and walked out leaving me totally surprised,hehehhe i wish i knew

so i was cool with the move cause it was between us two,until she started dissing me in front of ma work mates,and as childish as the  next thing am going to say sound, but that just challenged my manhood and had to regain my main level ground. and a week later i waited and got a chance and snack in on her in the  lady’s made my surprise kiss,but ALAS shit happened and we end up …… in there to my surprise. so i was left stand again, so come the next day Sunday and there rumors floating around bout the encounter,to make matters worse in the afternoon the husband causes fractures in the entrance and word travels 1st  that he’s out to kill me.and i aint coward but the guy is army,so i manage to convince the watchie to let me out through the fire escape exit door….lol i sound like a pussy right now but its always wise to chose Ur battles.later on the day i got to know the meaning of the news spread like wild fire….. coz my BIG BOSS WAS IN FLORIDA,Miami and am in WASHINGTON STATE,she called me and asked me was sup,the lucky thing is he’s a langa and he believes in Stacey,i think if its not for that nigga and me pimping out ma CEO to a crazy ass friend of mine i would be somewhere in the street looking for money to wet or feed my tummy.

So i came to the conclusion that everyone has a vice and if u try to Quit ur vice the domant vice will pop up and put u in more shit.so embrase ur vice and make it work for u.hence my title [BIG HEAD SMALL HEAD] for the slow pple if i dont drink i use my dick and if i drink i use the head above my neck…..      no question should be asked and no stones should be thrown coz am pertialy jobless and am hurt and weteva makes the chicks go WOIYEEEEEEEEE  …

PS @ P4WNED FAQ U

@oreineur… love is a 4 letter word

@31337 or some number close to that tafuta jina…lol

@ boyfulani please confirm to me the romours i had bout my favourite kenyan drink??? ati KE is like !60ksh more expensive than a tusker..??/

One of those days

Posted in Uncategorized on February 4, 2009 by vipp3r

I woke this morning feeling damn low, the kind of feeling u get when u were out drinking late on a Sunday, jus to be woken up by the alarm clock with a nasty hangover. and then decide to go take a shower and find out your out of soap coz u busted all your shopping  on the booze that causing the same hangover u got…. U knows what a mean by know that kind of feeling. This is the 3rd time it’s happening this weak despite the fact I haven’t had a sip or a drop of my beloved booze in a while.

So it got me concerned and and I decided to skip work for an hour and go get some help from my new beloved psychiatrist (the Bartender…lol ) so he told me am suffering from withdrawal syndrome, which is a psychological  thing. Which I think its bullshit coz psychologically I know I can never do something stupid like quit drinking. After the non existent social life I have been having hanging around sober people. Being sober is damn fucking boring. I really don know how people survive .nothing to look forward to for the weekend, or holidays,. I swear in my second week of sobriety I was bored I started throwing stones at my own shadow at night… true story.

The worst thing is hanging out with a sober person who is denial. Like my friend BIG R. This guy knows am on a forced alcohol break and he is trying to prove to me how great it is to stay sober. I took the guy up on he’s offer  as long as when am back to my drunkard jolly self I would in tern  show him how great it is to be a drunkard. We shook on it. which made me even doubt myself for a second.(here is why I did its like somebody betting you a million  dollars that John Paul is not Catholic,….)

So here is how the events unfolded:

Thursday  5pm we meet at  restaurant(……) he orders some good food, we eat up chit charting bout nothing and then we leave and go to for balling Sober ,which was long periods of boredom punctuated by sheer terror. time seemed to be moving backwards coz the hrs was getting longer, got out  and stood in the parking lot tryn to figure out were to go next ,and I had to interrupt his long thinking and tell him if it was drunkards we would do the thinking in a nice bar downing some couple of cold booze. Which  he threw the famous cliché all sober people say “You don need  alcohol to have a good time.”(…oooh how I cant wait till its my time to show him the wonders and mystery of the almighty BOOZE.)so he decided on a movie and then later we head to the billiards were my point was proven right.coz all the drunkards looked pretty happy to me. so by the 10.30pm  my friend was ready to head home and he had the nerve to ask me so how was ur day?……i was stunned by the question but I had to ask him the obvious question. So what time do we pick up the girls??? And he goes which girls??

After this experience I have come to appreciate booze for making the simple things in life be so much fun and making time pass quite fast and people seem more appealing to hang around.  I think if I was to leave this sober advocated life I would die of Old age at 25.and pick up stamp collecting or something….hehehhehe

Bye bye….

Week 4 life’s a bitch!

MY Significant X-list

Posted in Uncategorized on February 3, 2009 by vipp3r

Just thought of writing down my exelist,  and this are the chicks that I really tried or made a mark on my Quest to “LOVE” or “RELATIONSHIPS”. Take my hut of for the ones who made my list and coz of u u made me the Jack ass ur fellow female species love to hate thank u very much here it goes…

i) The player (The gold digger): this was the 1st chick I “fell in love with” I was in class 7 but I had been eyeing the chick from ever…lol. i was like 12 yrs and  sprung, talk bout puppy,gues this is the chick who really destroyed my sensitivity to feelings  or those mushy stuff, that make man quite and cuddly to women. long story short she dumped me wen I was in class seven, I used to buy her treats with my zero money that I was given for allowance everday,she said am a broke ass nigga who couldn’t cope with her life ,witch was true but I was in class seven 4 gods sake no one could hire me….lol.Gues gold diggers are born not made. she hustled my lunch money for a full term(semester) then she dumps me for my friend, me being the genius that I am I come up with a great plan to get “the love of my life back….lol” so I go and beat up the guy very badly that it lands me in the headmasters office(for the non Kenyans headmaster=Principal)which leads to ass whooping and me dropping out from that school…that how bad I loved her ….lol, but maybe its could all have been avoided if I had discovered alcohol way before.hmmm…

ii) Anita(the teddy bear): this was the chick I had after my heart was torn apart by puppy love gold digger ,this was a nice chick she was as good and as innocent as they come she was fly articulate had a body to die for but the timing was all fucked up.i really don’t even remember how we met but she was the bomb, and I mean that in every sense of the word. I was in high skool and in the middle of my teenage crisis or my revenge plan to the female species’ remember this chick used to right me letters and poems and all bout the L word crazy naive girl, am really sorry she had to go through that .Coz in a perfect world I think this chick should be leaving with the Tele tubby in there magical world. Coz I really think that’s how she saw the world in her view. I really don’t apologize for my past coz I believe there part of my learning experience, but if she ever came across this blog by mistake here is my apology AM REALY SORRY. and I won’t say wot I deed or happened, but …… yah m with no words

iii) Jay-Q(the perfect woman)=met in campus pretty girl smart to,like street smart not book smart, that’s the kind of smarts that wows guys.the reason why I said the perfect woman was coz                                                                            1:) she dint have the mushy stuff to begin with and did not require tittles to label our friendship..

2: ) she got along with all my friends and we could hangout anywhere anytime and not feel like we were invaded  wen she was around, plus she could pimp out all my boys in seconds she was that good.

3: ) she actually could drink and handle booze more than I could, come to think of it she did actually teach me a thing or to in the art of drinking,wen we went out drinkin and I pass out she would handle everything right till I got back to my senses. it took me two years for me to actually out drink her. that was a proud day for my manhood

4: ) She actually loved Sex more than me which is always a good thing, and she actually could chora  a doggy like a fucking artist, she would put Davichi on toes with the art. I know girls think that am getting nasty but let me shed a light on how beautiful doggy style is to us men. it like the emotions or the feelings u girls get went watching the sunset… yes! That’s how important, beautiful and significant it is….heheheh  I SAID IT!!!!

iv) Virg(the freak): I really don know why me and ma boy used to call this chick that but this chiq was the illest freak ever met. she was hungry .. and I aint talking bout food she was like a starved  fat kid and then u give the kid a buffet. this chick could  chew u alive. and she was always trying some new stuff went it came to sex ,public places and shit ,guess she loved the adrenaline, she was slim and tall with long legs that could make a  the fucking flamingos jealous, the best thing was she was flexible and she could give a head like the fucking Nero hehehe(geek joke pole if u don’t follow) ,Damn I loved the time with her come to think of it she the 1st I still had her number ). chick who made run away frm my room just to avoid SEX heehaw yeah she’s a monster. The short time we were with her I had to change my diet to peanuts and redbull…..lol. Now she’s an air hostess for KQ, I can only hope she helps me join the mile high club…Come to think of it I met her as a challenge after a certain chick pal of mine challenged my manhood hmmmm that was a good challenge (have to end this I might decide to pick up the phone and call her …hehehe if

Am jus hopping none of the exes stumble upon this coz its fair to say if they do am a dead DRUNK..

5weeks sober… and hating it

21 Questions (-16)

Posted in Uncategorized on February 2, 2009 by vipp3r

Am so fucking pissed that my 40yr laptop had to fall down
and die on me, and as a result of this I have to part with my hard earned money
to get a new one, This is money I could have invested very well in some poor
girl college tuition (stripper’s joint),or
Put it in my “SAVE A KIDNEY FOUNDATION”
but life has a way of screwing you up [Guess
when u stop drinking money has a away of getting away somehow
.] enough of
my complaints

And today I will stay true to my blog title and actually
unleash a sk3l3ton from my closet…….hehehe here it goes.

I recently received a text message from an old fling or love
or something of the sought (Am really
clueless when it comes to relationship ish. because I notice am in a
relationship  when a chick introduce me
as the boyfriend or when she brakes up with me.. then I go hmm so we were
dating..…lol
) that got me thinking,

Here is the text:

Ya, tell me ths is
crazy I don care. Just 2 let u know that i hv always bn so mad at u 4letin me
fall inluv wt u,then u hurt me so badly. wot hurts is I never got over u, n was
never able 2love anotha guy that way. till it cost me my boyfriend  n now its still hard to luv someone else!
Damn u 4doin ths 2me! Bt have 2 ask, did u eva feel anything  4me?

here was my 1st reaction hehehehehehehehehhehehehe……. And before anyone cast the 1st
stone let me explain myself.

This chick was like the 1st girl I stayed true to
for the longest time possible which is like 3yrs ago. and this is what happened
,

I remember it was like that year when they launched the KEG
SENATOR thing(bless the dude who did
that)
and with such a cheap beer in the market It was a sentence to get
high everyday. so me and my boys go drinking at our local drinking hole, for
like a couple of JUGS, later this short looking guy strolls in very drunk and
shouts out my name, and for some reason I thought it was a good idea to lift my
hand up. then the guy throws a plastic jug at me and warns me of going near her
sister again. the jug missed me but the alcohol in me just said discipline the guy.
so I jumped over the table punched the guy straight on the face and got ready
for a fight. but ALAS! The guy I punched was knocked out.

So after like a couple of minutes and a group of drunkards later.
the guy wakes up and strolls off. Then shortly my phone rings and is the chick
above cursing me out for beating up his brother,.,

Now the funny thing is the above chick never gave me not even
slice of her booty. 3months of my invested time was drowned like that .the
chick went on to get a very wealthy guy am guessing the guy was given the goods
.then I was given a slice when he was with that guy….hmmm and here I am being accused
of  shit I don’t understand.

My question

1: If you are in love with a guy should the guy be the 1st
to get a slice of that ass???

2: What the hell is this relationship crap if when ur
in it u never get laid what the fuck is it for anyway???

3: How can I affect someone’s ability to fall in love???

4: What the hell does this fall in love really mean?

5: Is there any man who really understands women….lol????

Byee bye and heheheheh …..

3weeks sober and
loathing it

..MY 1st Bar Fight!!!

Posted in Uncategorized on January 4, 2009 by vipp3r

Ikonini…??

This being a boring Sunday noon and am working. i have decided to skip lunch due  with the new car am driving(naendesha/diarrhea) ,i dont know what the hell i did it or not eat but it got me  on a fucked up  routine,anywhoo. i yesterday night i heard this dream that i was being beaten up by drunk guys.this has been happening lately,and i think its because i have taken a forced leave on my so beloved alchohol for two weeks now.so this got me thinking of an incident that happened wen i got myself into my 1st bar fight…here is the ivents that unfolded

I cant remember the actual day but i was jus fresh from High school and feeling all grown up and ishhhed up.Iremember my parents had just left to somwere and i was home alone with the car and my Adolecent mind.. this was like being given a million dollars and a blowjob at the same time.I had jus turned 18 and my mind was young free to run wild and try out new stuff.if u saw the expression on ma face guys would burn the Monalisa and put my picture there A.S.A.P , shiiiiieeet!!!! the world looked like a little urinal i could pee on.i had the car the house and quite a substancial amount of money to get me liquored up for the weekend.so i called my usual suspect DJ,ST and my CUZO.

So as the guys got there asses to my parent digz  i was there putting on ma clads and possing infront of the mirror with dfrent stuns.. looking all BBoy and shiet(i still dont blive the shiet i used to wear….lol damn nimetoka mbali)so within a couple of minutes we were all in the moti very happy and ready to hit the rave…hehehe the problem was it was actualy 11am… talk bout being early…hehhe thats jus pure neiveness.we went to carni strait were we found couple of family’s having linch and we talked to the waiter the guy gave us a ood idea of what time the rave actualy happens.so all of us being newbies in this raving deal.we were not helping each other.we new names  of joints  but had no idea of were they were locations.so we just drove around and found ourself in BURU hehehe so a local pub got in bought a good bottle of sminoff  vodka and  some tuskers to teremsha the good Devil..Uwould have thought we know what the fuck we were doing…heheh

so guys started sipping, and before even the giza came in we were thrown out of the pub leaving half the bottle of sminoff and a our pombe.talk bout being virgins in this drinking game.gguys couldnt drown a 750 vodka,heheh.so we decided to look for food and try out anathatha joint.i drove around came around a good joint bought 2killoz of nyama witch we divowerd like vouchers and we made good friends with the butcherman who in turn showed us a good rave joint around.Something likeCOCOA BEACH MARKET am not sure,good times we check in there 7.30pm drunk as hell but the music was good so all of us went strait for the dance floor and did our kuku dance very drunkly.(if this was cought on tape am sure it would be on worlds funny videos).


Fasr-fwd: i wake up at the table next to me is my cuzo drooling to the floor there is a very big empty bottle of KC on the table that i have no idea were it came from My friend DJ and ST are busy trying to get their mark on.so i strall around to try and catch one fish myself,i spot a fly mama standing next to a big pillar and lock on her and head strait for thee catch,but i realised to late that the pillar was actualy a very big ,UGLY BLAcK LOOKING GUY.and i noticed this wen i stood betwween the guy and the chick and the guy jus shikad me mashati squre thats was wen i realised..ooohh  its not a pillar.(talk bout alchohol fuckin up ur vision and brain.)so with my luck going very down south.i head back to the table were my cuzo and DJ are sorounded by this 2 big bouncers ,wen i enquire for the info  that wen i realised what the faq the fracus was for.kumbe the KC was snack in the club,those guys dont sell 750ml of KC,and am here wondering which of this stupid las thot it was a good idea to place the smuglled chupa ontop of the table…and to make matters worse this guys defence was that they bought that shit there,were they dont sell it,.


the inevitable had to happen we were thrown out but my pal with the love of he’s beer managed to tell the guys he has to maliza it.so my cuzo and DJ went to the moti while,me and  ST stayed at the door waiting as St malizad the beloved beer.So i think this was a good time to check out what time it was and i asked the Ugly guy at the door amd the idiot tukanaz meand pushes me :i contemplate kickin the guy on the nuts and running for it.but i decide to forgive the guy(heheh i was scared and couldnt walk leave alone run).


the browl setup:

A guy gets out of the club with this fly mama and my guy st decides the chick should be with him.This guy to is Bigger than the bouncer so am not sure wot he fack my pal is thinking talkin shit to her chille,the guy seems to ignore but,i guess patients can run for so long.the guy comes back punches my Pal in the face aand For sure my friend is airborne for some seconds,wen he comes crushing down with the chupa on he’s hand.and here is were i realise the bouncer @ the door was actualy the devil himself.MY pal id blacked out on the floor bleedind to death.and the stupid bouncer is asking the guy to pay for the broken chupa.i try to talk to the guy wen the idiot jabs me in the tumbo and i get pissed and kick the stupid bastards ib the buts abd bite his mkono to release me.hehehe kumbe i just Dug ma grave.now the guy who jus bite up ma pal.Decide its a good idea to land the same punishment on me.needles to say.we were squarely bitten up,wen they decided its a good idea to take us insidde and give us lessons on the raving scene.Talk of the guys being mature adults the guys were like 35yrs old thats like twice our age then.the guys actualy washed us up and bought us some couple of booze to ease our pain.while we got a very long good lecture on how to behave in a club(this was the only time i went to the club and came out with knowlege…hmm)


{the blog is getting to long have to cut it}:but before i maliza i have to mention ma friend DJ who was sleeping in the car while we got whooped decided to drive us home which ended up in an accident.and the stupid guy actaly stopped and hopped out of the car.whitch inturn  i jumped in the driver sit,turned the lights off and speed off leaving the bustard at the scene but he managed to find his way back home.NOTE 4AM  was the time…


NB:I just realised in that club everyone was i giant and very ugly,i think we walked in a sect meeting or somethin…


BYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

..THE BIG CHANGE

Posted in Uncategorized on January 2, 2009 by vipp3r

thought with my resent blog freeze i jus place my fingers on the keyboard and see how far they can drug a story before my blog freeze shivers off.. hmmm i gues  me changing places and weather just got me messed up in every aspect of the play that i call life.here is why…

1:lose of CPA{convinient pussy associate}-the sudden change in place just cost me one of the best Cpa i have ever got in my life,the chick was great in every sense of the word.she was the kind that u see her u just jack off without knowledge.how i got her is still a mystry to many and me.shes half  hindu  and half kamba.body of a godess.. i bet GOD made her on his birthday.Anywhoo  me been the fool i am decided not to twen i was leaving causing a big fight (physical fight)the chick realy delivered a good beating on me have to admit and thus ending a good CPA arrangement

2:LFV(lucky fishing hole) = this is the place that none of your friends or family know bout.this is a place u go to kick buck drink and relax.. and the waiters and barman know u because of the few times u frequent u always take good care of them,its also the garanteed place for pickin up mamaz wenever u hit a dry spell. oooh how i miss it…SIDE STORY : LAST TIME I VISITED THIS PLACE I WAS PICKED UP BY AN OLDER LADY WHOS AGE I WILL TAKE TO MY GRAVE .. WE WENT TO HER PLACE AND THE ONLY THING I CAN TELL U WEN I WENT BACK HOME THE ONLY HAIR ONMY BODY WAS MY EYE LASHES… THAT WAS A KINKY NIGHT…WORD TO THE WISE DONT DONT DO SNAKE BLOOD VODKA AND WEED BAD DRUGS…

3:I miss my liquor store=i loved this joint with all my heart.. they had like every friday some 3 promotional liquor that u could sumple like three shorts of  each … so me been a kenyan used to go there every friday and get like nine free shots and by my six pack.which made my budget very easy.o how i miss UNIVERSAL LIQUOR the only liqour store in the USA opened 24hrs a day 365 days a year…. i shed a tear for that.

……………….at this rate jus realised am blubing alot so am in a dilemma if to post this crap or delete it hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm…………………………………………aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh

click post

KISWAHILI KITUKUZWE..(NGONO STYLE)

Posted in Uncategorized on December 25, 2008 by vipp3r

DESCLAIMER :I just found this on the net and just cracked me up.. not my litrature

Siku Dorie alivyokutana na Rafiki Yake

Dorie ni mwanadada Mbongo mzuri sana, miaka 22. Anasoma katika Chuo fulani cha akina dada tupu kwenye mji moja mdogo Virginia, hapa USA. Ana rafiki yake wa kiume Mbongo miaka 29 anafanya kazi mjini. Basi siku moja kaja kumtembelea bwenini. Kwa kawaida wanaume hawaruhusiwi bwenini, isipokuwa mara moja kwa mwezi. Tena ni lazima waache mlango wa chumba wazi.

Dorie anamkaribisha Stephen vizuri. Pombe ni marufuku bwenini, lakini Stephen kabeba ndogo ya Vodka. Wanaongea juu ya masomo huko wanasikiliza muziki wa nyumbani. Wamekaa kitandani kwa Dorie. Roomate wake Dorie kaenda mjini, kwa hiyo ni wenyewe tu mle chumbani. Ile pombe kali inaanza kuwalesha. Dorie anainuka kwenda kufunga mlango wa chumba halafu anarudi chumbani. Kukaa karibu na Stephen wanaanza kusikia joto ya miili yao. Wanapiga Tongue Kisi na kupapasana huko wanacheka na nyege zinawapanda.

“Oh, Dorie napenda chuchu zako zinavyonichoma kifuani.”

“Stephen, MMhhh, nakupenda.”

Dorie anashusha mkono wake kwenye mtuno wa Stephen. Anakuta mboo yake imesimama. “Oh Stephen, mpenzi” Unanitaka…..

Stephen anjajibu “Ndiyo mpenzi nakutaka!”

Dorie anafungua zipu na kuiachia huru mboo ya Stephen iliyovimba kwa hasira. Anaipapasa taratibu… “Oh Dorie nina hamu na wewe” Stephen anaingiza mkono wake kwenye sketi, and bila kumvua chupi, anasogeza ilesehemu iliyofunika kuma na kuanza kuchezea kisimi cha Dorie. Dorie anapanua miguu kusudi apate yote.

“Oh, Oh….” Dorie analegea kabisa,, Stephen anamvua chupi. Anapapasa mwili wa Dorie, anaamua kumvua blausi na sidiria na sketi….mwisho Dorie kabakia uchi pale kitandani…..Stephen anainama na kuchezea chuchu kwa mkono wa kulia. Anatazama kuma ya Dorie invayovutia, huko anachezea chuchu huko ananza kumnyonya Dorie kisimi.

“Uwiiiiiiii,oohhhhhhyyaaaaaaa, maaiigodi, taammmuu mpenzi unataka kuniua!

“Unaona Tamu ?” Stephen anauliza

“Ndiyo sanaaa mmmhhh”

Kusikia malamiko yake Stephen anajua Dorie yuko tayari kutombwa. Anajua ufundi wa kutomba ni kutayarisha kuma, kabla ya kutomba. Kama vile kuwasha jiko la mkaa. Hubandiki sufuria mpaka moto umekolea. Anatesti kuma na kidole, na kuona ina ute wa kutosha. Anashusha suruali na kuingiza mboo kumani. Inaslaidi ndani bila shida.

“Aaahahhhh, Asssantee Stephen, Asante.”

Stephen naye alikuwa amebanwa nyege, basi mara moja anaanza kupampu. Dorie naye anaanza kumkatia kiuno. Wote wana piga kelele za utamu, mpaka nje kwenye corridor baadhi ya wanafunzi wenzao wamekusanyika kusikiliza. Kwa vile wanaongea Kiswahili, hawaelewi wanasema nini….mpaka wanafikiria wanumizana…..Wanafunzi wanaaanza kubisha hodi mlangoni. Wapenzi walivyo katika utamu hawasikii kitu, basi wale wenzao wanagonga mlango kwa nguvu, mwisho dada moja anamua kwenda kwa Matrion aje kufugua mlango na ufungu
kuchukua ufungua wa chumba.

Matron anafika mlangoni na kusikilia…”What the hell are they doing in there”!

Huko kasi ya shughuli moto wapenzi wanafikia kilele cha tendo wako peponi kabisa…

Dorie analia kwa sauti, naye….”yeeeeeeeenakuuujaaa” Stephen anaanza kuja naye anatoa sauti kali ya besi…”OH! OH! OH!” Dorie anaposikia ile joto ya shahawa kumani anaanza kuja tena… “AIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII”

Stephen anatazama Kuma ya Dorie na kuona kisimi bado kimetuna, ” Wewe bado unanyege!”

Matron anafungua mlango, na kuwakuta ndio wanamalizia. Stephen yuko juu ya Dorie.

Wanafunzi wenzao wanabakia mlangoni kutazama kwa mshangao.

Comments za wanafunzi wenzao.

“Damn! We thought you guys were killing each other.”

Yeah, You guys were just making love!’

“Wow, were you guys loud”

Is that how you do it in Africa!

Dorie na Stephen wanabakia kuona haya. Wanavuta shuka….

Matron anamfokea Dorie na kumwambia avae na aripoti ofisini. Kwa vile nyege zimemwishia Dorie anaanza kuona haya….

Random update No:1

Posted in Uncategorized on December 13, 2008 by vipp3r

its a Saturday,night its exactly 9.59.37pm its been two weeks since i tasted a drop of my sweet love stacey(beer).This came as a shock to me that after ma fortnight i dont have the cravin for stacey.and by that i had to rush to the liquor store to get rid of my demons.i was actualy feeling comfortable leaving without stacey….???how?? i was supposed to break this dry spell yesterday but my fuckin comp got a good virus that made me spend the whole friday indoors trying to remove the virusi  and the whole of today to no avail.This Post iS a threat to one and only You P4WNED for refusing to help me install linux(virus free)… yes U mofo.U just made me loose some very important data(porn…lol)

 

but all in all i jus discovered if i take a long brake i can get high on 3 beers which is good…hehehe

cheers of to the  billiard to kill my brain cells and pick up a loose CHIPO…lol

A Drunk’s 1st Person View…,

Posted in Uncategorized on December 11, 2008 by vipp3r

A sharp bright light blind me,My head feels like a train just run over me.i lift ma hand to block the sun and get a bearing of my location,Its a large field with  trees and tents around.trying to think is making my head hurt more.So i decide to let everything sink in.My jeans are wet from the morning dew,and as i look around there is a tent next to me and a couple of people lying around.this is getting weird :i say to myself,ma eyes are half way open trying to adjust to the blinding sunshine,i  gather all my strength to try and Stand up,but i step on something,FUCK YOU ASSHOLE.some guy screams at me as he drags his hand under my feet..the voice sounds familiar,but my head is still not working.there is some familiar scent in the air and yes this am sure is weed.”what the hell?” i say in ma mind.i take a few steps and by the stagger i pulled,it was clear i had over indulged the previous day.(Way to go self ).i put my hands in my pocket and thank God my phone is intact.i try my back pocket and i pull out a water bottle with some brown liquid,hmm i wonder what this could be.i open it up and smell,its Herbal tea(tea mixed with weed.)Now i know who does this kind of shit its my friend Dj.


By this time my eyes have adjusted fine to the light and i can start identifying the drunkards lying around.Suddenly two guys with matching clothes walk straight to me and tell me.. “You have to hours to pack and leave before we call the cops”.I take a good look around and i could see families standing outside their tents not looking Amused at all.(i ask myself what the hell did we do Last night,but decide its much safer if i suppress the memory)I walk around to look for some breakfast,then i see this wooden Bar.get in and there is a sign…. FISHERMAN’S CAMP.Note to self: (so that’s were we are).try to buy breakfast but none was available for our kind.whatever that means.I find my way back to the tent and the guards have thrown everything into the car.My Drunk friends are not helping the situation as they trade Insults with the guards.A few  minutes later every one is in the car and no one is talking.SO i lay ma head on the window to take a nap.When suddenly i realize we are in another destination.The sign says CRAY FISH.The Driver Gets out of the car and come back with two bottles of  Vodka.I close my eyes and this was the time i realized that i had made a pretty bad choice in life by choosing this people to be my friend.And its Dejavu ones again…..


IF A MAN IS JUDGED BY THE COMPANY HE KEEPS… OOOH MEN AM SO SCREWED!!

Auto Pilot..

Posted in Uncategorized on December 11, 2008 by vipp3r
An inventor is simply a fellow who doesn’t take his education too seriously.
—Charles F. Kettering
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Auto pilot :the state of being drunk,able to function physically but your brain is completely shutdown


The reason for the above topic its because of the following event.
I was having a usual day till i got a call from a chick that i never heard of before,but the strange thing was there was a caller id name to it… meaning i had actually saved the number of this person who i have never heard off.This to me just goes ahead to show me how much i have damaged my brain cells….so the conversation went something like this:
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ME: Hallo
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SHE:hey there its Karen like K-A-R-E-N…( she actually spelled her name how impressive.i said in ma head)
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ME:Hi  Karen,how have u been
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SHE:you actually remember me….(then she giggles)

ME:yeah,(in ma head;you just told me your name and spelled it out dummy)

SHE:So ammmmm, i just wanted to ask you why you dint call me its been two weeks and you promised?
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ME:(blank as hell with no clue were we actually met.i pose for a few 2nd and with no good lie to come up with i say this).I would tell you why,but i have no idea how and who u are .!!
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SHE:F@*k u A$$Hole @###$**** (allot of infinity curses and then she hangs up)

ME: note to self  now i know why i dint call you
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So after this event i just started thinking of the most outrageous auto pilot moment i have had and in my drinking escapades.
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Auto Pilot no:1 its December holiday just we go clubbing with my pals we decide to start off in a local pub and take some cane extra and some citizens before heading to the clubs.it fikaz 11pm and we head to K1 those days when they use to sell a bottle of viceroy very cheap,The usual suspect are Santa,ST AND DJ.So by the time we even pop the 1st bottle guys are smashed.Then guys decide it will be a very good idea every one just buys a full bottle and consume it alone.At the moment it seemed like a good idea.after a few glasses…. i wake up @home in my bed and my phone is vibrating like hell.i pick up the call and there is a chicks voice who’s crying and sounds terrified . shes telling me to let her go,she wont tell anyone… AM surprised,and this just makes me wake up & concentrate which is really hard coz am still fuckin high.She calms down after we have the weirdest conversation ,and tells me to go and unlock the trunk of the car.Am like what the hell are u talking bout.but i comply walk to the garage pop ,the truck of the car,And there is this chick in the trunk that i have never seen before,scared and cried off her makeup.And am thinking to myself am i dreaming or am in a twighlight zone.She  gets out doesn’t want to talk to me but after a long convincing and pleading she agreed to tell me what happened.
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-apparently I picked her up in the club ditched my friends,@2am (and at this part of the story am sure my pals will beat me up seriously)and we came digz and ma parents were around so i told her to chill in the trunk till they leave for Work,then i will come back and take her out.That was like 6am And its like 11am. Never felt like a jackass like this before(actually i have but thats another story)… i had nothing to tell her but sorry .offered her a shower and drove her back home.Tried calling her and she never answered.That was my most scaring Auto pilot Moment Ever…Funny how i drove all the way to kiambu and convinced a chick to get in the trunk and she was pretty to,but i think her self esteem was messed….lol
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My friends came over the same day in the evening and actually soaked all my bedding’s and beat me up pretty crazy for leaving them in the club… anywhooo that’s what we call auto pilot.
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Anyone with an Auto pilot moment be free to share.

Beach Party[..bhind bars.. exodus]

Posted in Uncategorized on December 8, 2008 by vipp3r

…..Continuation

After someone who i will not mention her name decided its a good idea to take all my resources to access beer .this weekend has been the shittiest and most painful of my life.is this is what it feels to not drink,i pity you all sober people.And thus the conclusion to why the part 2 dint come sooner

………anywhoo am in the police station looking,and the cops ague with my cousin and the chick i sacrificed my ass for is on the outside.the police men at this time are forcing me to sighn the OB which i know is a Damn idea coz i will have to stay inn for the whole weekend.For those of u never arrested in kenya,this means you trade sighning the OB for a couple of slaps and blows….and by a couple i mean like 1000.After the fuckimg pigs do there thing and take my belt and leave me with a single shoe.they send me to the back were the cells are.Luckily for me this wasnt my 1st time in cell but.getting back there Truly scares the shit out of me considering am goin in alone.luckily the Pigs put me in an under 18 cell were its specious compared to were i landed next…

okay here i am shaved inn by the pigs ,And that crap you see in movies that when u get in cells u stand ur ground is a bunch of hollywood  bullshit.U can be killed there in seconds.So i get into this corridor with high walls called a cell.and guys are sleepin.and i happen to step on a guy.Bad mistake.the guy stands up.throws a jab and hits ma face,me and my short temper i head butt the dude,and at the same time realise am fucked,so i do the honorable thing and assume the ass whooping position.fast-fwd the pigs get inn ask for my age and throws me to the wolf.over 18 cell.they open the cell and guys pour outside literry.Am thinkin where the hell am i going to fit.And this is the part off my life i would like to block .coz i just stood there till morining on one foot.coz thats the only space i could get.

while on the other side i would imagine  my Friend Darkness and BB where worried.hehehehe that would be naeive,so the motherfuckers went to the bitch party with all the chiqs and my cuzo and got the time of there lifes … life is Grand isnt it….Am stuck in a sausage fest and my pals are out balling their ass out.So morning came ^am i hear amy name and upto this day that was my best moment in life.. nothing could top the joy…Freedom is sweet guys.u never know till u lost it..   Stayin in that cell jus reminded me off a Wall righting i saw wen i was growing up @ the Age of six…wet something like this…[ HELL IS BAD,BUT JAIL IS WORSE.. I HAVE BEEN TO BOTH]... and i cant agree more.the 6am comes am bailed out its drizzling am hungry tired and found out the guys who came to bail me out are strait from the beach party.. Drunk and jolly as hell.

We head to my cuzos digs were i take a shower eat,and try to catch a snooze,just to notice my friend Darkness Disappeared with one of the Chiqs and knowing the guy..i felt pity for the chiq….lol.i sleep wake up call up my side piece chick guys are jolly telling tales.. from here shit gets blurry.All i remember is we stayed Coasto for 4 more days and we were so broke coming baq wen guys took a break in mtitu Andei we had to stay put in the bus and watch guys eat and drink there shit.never been that broke….hehehe now thats a lie . we fika nairobi town,50bob between 3guys it cant even take us anywhere.But Darkness comes to the rescue and convinces a hawker to hook us up with cash.And we hit the almighty luthuli…hmm nice chips i might Add.

Moral of the story dont count your chicks before they hutch.I dint even get some booty from the chick and never did.the next time i went back to coasto the chick was married.

lesson 2.Faq the police… yah i said it faq the fuckin pigs

cheers

BEACH PARTY [the lost tapes]..Prt 1

Posted in Uncategorized on December 3, 2008 by vipp3r
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Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not, and a sense of humor was provided to console him for what he is.
—Oscar Wilde
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As i progress to write this blog its becoming clear to me that my  life in campus holds some of the craziest story ,in this so called life of mine.the more i try to recall any creative thing i did with my life there,its sad to say that all i did there was get fucked up and fool around.If u have read my previous blog u will notice there is a pal of mine called Darkness.the guy gave me a flash back on a trip we took to coasto.The culprits Involved were BB,Darkness and me.here goes the story:{hadithi hadithi….. hadithi njoo sankarewa,,, maziwa ya mtoto….lol}

A week before we took the Trip:

Am sitting in ma room and i get a phone call from ma crazy lady cousin from Coasto ,telling me there is a beach party happening in coasto.This happened to be the 2nd beach party ever to happen not like the shit they pull this days were guys go for the beach party in timberland boots boots and jeans and hoods,while chiqs rock high heals and hipstars{some guy should be hired to kill this people}.This  was the virgin beach party undiluted by the masses(washamba wa nairobi…lol as the coasto guys say).i know so becauze i happen to attend the 1st one.so we make arrangements and i decide to share the news with Darkness,who happen to be hanging out with,BB and some crowd.. there like 10 guys hyped out and almost every one is game for the trip.a day before we leave guys back out as kawa.and we are left just 3 guys;me darkness and BB.I don’t remember exactly who we send for the tickets but the guy really did a number on us. the fucker bought us the tickets for aday earlier.and us being stupid we dint check the date,and we were supposed to travel the same day the beach party was happening.i always used to go home every weekend so i had to panga the wazazi ,for cash and a reason.which i did rather to well.

Saturday afternoon came and we bounce to tao to get the bus .guys are plastered with smiles across their faces,u would have thought we had just robbed a bank.we head to the ticketbooth to confirm our sits and from there shit started going downhill.the guy reads the date and says the tickets were for yesterday, and the bus leaving now is full plus he cant refund the money .lets just conclude and say thats 500sh down the loo.(and in my mind am calculating how far that loot can sustain me in SJ & the pleasures it can purchase…hmm)so we just know we have to go and search for another bus for coast and shock on us 1hr later.the next shift of buses would actually get us there wen the Party was ending.at the comment am just cursing the mad Swahili & Arabs chiqs i saw in the last beach party.We are in tao disparate and stranded all this shit is going wrong, till something caught our ears,i still cant believe this but actually there was a nissan semaing beba!! beba!! beba!! mombasa.this was God send we purchased a ticket waited for a while it even bebad guys kwa njia.if u know how small a nissan is!picture sitting 5guys per row plus the distance to coasto.I had a strong heart because i knew what was waiting for me in the Coasto…..

[side story :]

{unknown to my pals i had met this young sweet thing in coasto last tym i waas there and lets jus say i had planted all the necessary seeds wekead some fertilizer,manure and did some gardening through the phone.so for me ,this weekend was going to turn out to be the harvest day and celebration galore…..hhhhhhhhmmm talk bout counting your chicken before they hatch.end of side story}

back to the trip,needless to say the trip took 4ever my friend Darkness {,bless the brother} ,gave me never ending stories which i drifted in and out off while saying ehe… wacha…My boy BB was in a different row tucked between two fat mathez,[pole bra]but from the few quick picks i took of him on the long journey.its safe to say am sure the guy reviewed he’s whole life.and by the expression in his face it safe to say it wasn’t all he wanted it to be including this moment we were in @ the time.so eventually we arrived  at the station,i dialed up my cazo and told her to pick us up @ the station.At this time guys are pumping themselves up.i had not told ma pals that my cuzos are chillez and are very pretty indeed.i just wanted to see their reaction.After a couple Of minutes,I Hear A soft voice in a coasto ascent calling out my name(i actally had written my name and found out while reviewing….lol)her voice was out of this world.worse wen i got to see her,i couldn’t help and salute her with one big hard-on. the chick had actually put on two handkerchiefs.One covering her tits the othe hwer ass kiasi.so now u can see why my body had to …i was stunned i even 4got to see the jaws drop on ma friends.Everybody introduced themselves because i was just lost @ this moment.all i could see was the the night ahead with this chick on my arm.. the thoughts i had are not worth been remembered by any sane person.we headed to my cousin cribs and met other chick pals at the house.@ this point we were in a very good ratio like 1:3 .i could see my guys were very happy and My boy BB i think he was Star stricken, because the guy couldn’t sit on the sit without moving around and him  being light dint help.but then again am guessing the guy was very happy if u know what i mean,coz he was always pulling  down hes t-shirt.hehehe. Darkness as always have away with people and was already cracking story right left and centre.

I love my cousin for this.She calls me out and tells me the seeds i had pandad have bared great fruits infact i can go and pluck a quick one ,before the harvest after the part(if u get my drift).Talk bout having great cousin(PIMPS).we head back to the room guys are talking and my cuzo announces that me and the chick should go get some stuff she left in this chiqs place.Am at the doorway trying to look cool.the chick comes over grub ma arm and we head out.its 9 o’clock .so we head to the streets am feeling like ol smooth talking slick laying ma game.shes giggling punching me politely we get @ the bustop.shortie i is leaning on me.@ this moment cant wait to get to her place when suddenly we heard. Kiyana Unafanya Nini na Malaya Wa Kasablanka High.Talk bout a sudden change off mood.the way am wired is Flight/take off wen u see/hear the police.i actually take a few steps and for sure i was going to leave her there.but shit! reason hit me at the wrong time.shes ma cuzos bestfriend so how do i explain returning home without the chick.i do the gentleman thing and stay there like a duck wen we are arrested.Am handcuffed to a bunch of other busted drunk dudes.the cops Insults us fluently its like this guy take a coarse for matusi.the guy am handcuff to isnt helping the situation.hes feeling all western and he says he knows his rights.Which is really Damn if u leave In Africa and your dealing with the cops,so i had to laugh ,which in turn earned me a very good slap if i may say.coz everything was censored from there.or i thought so.because all i heard was a continuous beep.the guy was seriously beaten up which cost me to.Because the more the guy moved around the  tighter the curfs got.i felt like beating up the fucker my self.

so as we are headed to the police cells.i try to talk some Ebonics type shit to the cops everything is going good.and i have separated a ka loose 50sh.then my cousin calls and i answer the phone and i dig my grave there and then.this is the words i uttered.”Tumeshikwa na karao”that was it… by the time i finished that line.i just heard  nani unaita karao.which was followed by infinity slaps and kicks.the chiq took my phone and we were dragged strait to the station.where my cuzos came to bail out.but the fucking cops,did want to hear shit,the chiq took was let out after a bribee and said i had to spend the night ndaani,so that i can learn how to call him Afandee….


To be continued……….

The 12 disciples ….the saga!!!!

Posted in Uncategorized on December 2, 2008 by vipp3r
The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new lands but seeing with new eyes.
—Marcel Proust
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Today being a Monday,is always a good reason to blame any bad shit that happens on the day.so wen i woke up this morning and knocked ma small toe on the edge of the bed.YES,i blamed on the day,i usually have a routine wen i wake up that is.go to the loo,washface brush tooth,then cheq wot i can eat for breakfast.and yes in that order.i do so because i am a free soul…..hehehe,(i actually don’t know y,but i end up noticing its a bad idea after the 1st taste of cereals.)so As i take my breakfast,and cheq ma email and wall,this crap thing in facebook.thats when i remembered a friend of mine in campus,who we had quite a wild,crazy and somehow fun experience in my earlier days in campus.for lack of a creative name i will call him darkness.(for obviousreasons…lol)i remember a  coast friend of mine told me that u should never date a chiq that’s darker… And i jocked,”then darkness is set,coz the way he is dark, the only darker chille than him should navy blue”we laughed it off, come  our 4th year and did my man Darkness prove me wrong.the guy pulled a : houdini and got himself navy blue mama… mad respect bra.

Anywhooo…… before i loose my train of thoughts.this guy,wen we were just freshmen in campus we did some major parting 2gether.Every Friday we would chomoka campus early in the afternoon,(u would think pombegoin to kwisha,come to think of it if we had the same passion for going to class…hehehe who am i kidding)go to akina.steps,doddeis,hornbill catch pints silly till like 9pm.and this was now the time we would remember to go feed.we would get to those guys for smokie .buy like smookies for 100bob,ficha them,then walk to mac fries,buy fries and unleash our 2killoz off smokies… good-times….lol,later we would go westi,crooked,ABC, and the rest dunda till 4am. wen the clubs have been funguad.take a mat to tao.and as u know with no cars..the only place to ngoja the daylight,so as to catch a mathree was…hehehehe Sabina Joy.this story to be told anatha day.so all in all when we went back to campus after the weekend we were the guys with the storoz.And my man Darkness been one hell of a story teller,the chicks in our class were drawn to our escapades.having left out the smokie part and the morning waiting at Sabina Joy(mad respect to this joint)

So the story Begins Here.one Friday As we are Preparing For our Ritual routine.my guy Darkness is approached by one chiq of our class and she says her and some other chiqs are interested to join in and hit the clubs.Which to me it translates to doom coz,the chumz i had, lets just say.they catered 4 my thirst alone and ma smokies.But ma smooth guy Darkness,doesn’t hesitates and tell the chiq just to gather her pals and we meet up in tao.As the chiq walks away in excitements,i had to slap the guy and ask him,y the hell he be letting me eat smookies.while we would be raruaing Ngoks thiororoks(rotisserie chicken),My guy looks @ me with shock.and says”were the fuck do i get money for kuku(u would have thought i asked the guy for a kidney….which i realy need).And I get more shocked than him,if your inviting those chicks we hangout.Am guessing u gat papper sticking up ur ass.

Darkness been the cool guy he is.he goes “let me show u how we daz this….”we head to our usual watering holes.and shortly the phone start ringing,and i hand it to the smooth guy to talk to his entourage.he walks out of the pub comes baq hands me the phone,the fuck doesn’t say a word.we continue our drinking,later do our smokie ritual.Now we get ready to hit the club.Then the guy talks at last and says.”I directed the chicks to Carni so we will meet them there.And my first reaction was to laugh,because the time those chicks called was bout 6pm,so am wondering WTF they were doing ther…LOL@that time we are on a mathree to westi.am wondering if carni changed location,n 4got to tell one of there loyal fan.i keep ma mouth shut.we dunda westi till 12am. then Darkness Asks for ma phone and this is wen i notice the phone is off.which begs for another satanic laugh.we take a taxi and head to carni.

Now from here my night turns comical all the way.we get in for free thank to Darkness and he’s PR skills.head in and straight to the counter and purchase a keg of tusker each.then decide to scout the place.heheeh. as were looking around 13diqs(the chiq Darkness invited in to bring her friends) comes around and jumps on ma boy.u might think its her long lost lover and gives me a hug,which means shit.(the chick has zero to no ties on her)and leads us to there table….hehehe no here is the very interesting part.there like 12 chiqs sitting in a circle.looking very exhausted and very sobber. and in ther middle there is a  table with a fanta,YES i said A FANTA(one)  there like 12 chiqs and each chiq  has a glass with like something less than a shot of Fanta.hehehehe this realy looked like the last supper.at this time i was rolling on the ground with laughfter.(and made sure at the same time none of my beer spilled,priorites)this was so Funny for me i couldn’t contain my self.I had to call my friend Dj and share the happiness. which was a wrong i dear .because i ended up calling my dad and narrating the whole story while cursing  at 2am.{poor guy i bet @ this time ma dad was wishing he had used a condom}
this is how the girls ended up been called the 12 disciples

But i think we were rush to give them that name,because in the coarse of the night .the chicks realy thugged  our beers,religiously.we should have just called them Forty thieves.


Ps… 13diqs was given the name by ma boy BB(bouncing baby) cause the chiq could give mad head,it felt like u had 13 diqs. disclaimer

BYeeee!!!!!!!!

if u find errors keep them to yourself.am hungry tired and sleepy

*Thanks– Giving*

Posted in Uncategorized on November 28, 2008 by vipp3r
When hungry, eat your rice; when tired, close your eyes. Fools may laugh at me, but wise men will know what I mean.
—Lin-Chi

The above quote has nothing to do with me feeling bright,i put it there because i saw it and i happened to be eating rice at the time.Anywhooooo..i know i promised ma pal that i will post this blog much earlier,but this is what led to my delay.i woke up this morning with a feeling that scared me shit less,i have never been scarred like this b4.i actually was contemplating of quiting drinking.!!!!.yes me quit drinkin.i know people get those ideas wen they have hangovers,but this was not the case.i actually went to the box that i call a fridge.to get a drink and i choose a bottle of water over the three bottles of beer.i couldn’t believe ma hand is capable of such atrocities.being that shocked.i decided to file this event as sleep walking and headed strait to bed and prayed,Yes I prayed that the demons in me to be lay asleep.and that when i wake up i will be back to my beloved drunk self,thankfully my prayers were had.that is what made me post late.

now back to the story at hand yesterday was thanx giving and being the 1st time to ever celebrate this event.i had to ask the important question as a normal person would do.I was Invited By… sm1 anonymous.Here were my questions in the order i asked


Q1:will there be free alcohol.
Answerr yes.
Q2: Will there be food ,@ this point i knew i was already going no matter wot the answer to the following questions where.
answer:yes
Q3:what is the holiday bout.which i realized was a wrong question because the answer came with a story.
Answer:no idea at this point all i heard was the sounds of bottle popping.
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so i take a quick and brief shower get me dressed.and me and ma Pal head off for thanx giving.
the place is quite far and me is very thirsty.so me think if i could bring out an interesting conversation this will take ma mind from the thirst i feel.hmmmm,me come out with brilliant question.so how many are u in your family. i was thinking the answer would come inform of a digit,but ooooh boy.talk bout shooting yourself in the foot.i got the family tree and the history behind every1.this continued even after we arrived ate and at-last the booze came ma way.
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this is those moments you see in television and things start going in slow motion.it was a green bottle from the a real fridge not that box i have,n damn it was sweating looking cool(literary and the other meaning yes that one).the chupa was placed in ma hands and ,then the bottle popped,and that was it.all my worries were gone the family story tails even seemed better @ this moment.i took the 1st sip.of the Heineken. And i swear this was much better than the last sex i had.its even degrading to compare the sex i had that time and this.but this is a story for another day.after a couple of Heineken’s,and by a couple i mean like 10 or more,but who counts while u having such good time drinking.(let me just start another paragraph from nowhere but the story continues)
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At this particular point am tipsy and thinking that the only thing that could top this event was two chiqs jus catching infront of me…hmmm boy was i wrong,A bright fella comes up with a very bright idea,but with a very stupid way of phrasing it…the guy says”who wants to do shots?” i hope u see wot he did wrong here,he asked a question,which is very stupid from where i come from.and especially if its pertaining alcohol .ofcoarse me being the member of kidney distroyer –AS One of my favourite blogger says{BELLABIZ}.i raise ma hand,with a smile and we proceed,alas!! this guys are straight balling,they have shit i see on music videos.courvoisier and Bacardi supreme.this shit taste good.. (i went with the courvoisier.after doing this calculation=i know a friend of mine who has Bacardi,thus there is a chance to encounter it but the courvoisier  that shit is rare to me).we tossed then drunk our-self silly.
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i want to end this blog but i have to mention this.I think i made good friends with a lesbian chiq which is nice but the problem is.,she so pretty i just think its a waste of skin.i think i like her like the kind of like….WoOOOOiiiiiiii am bout to rat ma self out………….
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BYEEEEEEEEE!!!!

Th3 “High” Road>>>

Posted in Uncategorized on November 26, 2008 by vipp3r
1. You can do anything, but not everything.
—David Allen


woke this morning,and as usual had a hard on.this is due to the fact of miss guided priority.okay here is what i mean.last weekend happened to be one of those days in the year that i tend to kill or the slow brain cells in ma head that are slowing me down.[As a drunk man said a herd is as fast as its slowest members.]or something to that effect.in other words i did some heavy drinking and indulgence with DNA[drugs and alcohol]for those of u already thinking am a junkie.the drugs part .its jus some pain killers for the hangover.so this exercise is usually unsafe with girlfriends around.so i made up a fight,to keep her away thus been the reason 4 my hardon’s.

Being ma birthday. i always have this thing were i try one of the hard drugs to see what can match up to my sweet Stacey[booze].this is a ritual invented by ma friends Dj,ST,and Santa i would like to give the BG’s some credit but those guys wen it came to ideas bout anything.. they had an IQ as high as the number of their fingers and toes combined.

so here is the number of drugs tried and the aftermath:


drug no1:KUBERR:For those who have no idea wot this is,just thank God u never tried it.
tried this wen i was in high school.method of consumption:just put some it under ur lower lip..
effects:hehehe lets just say this shit is like a faqin hoarse tranquilizer,that shit knocks u out in minutes.
consequences:speed dial to muara[throw up],knees weak.hallucinations.. i saw the teacher in duty get in class and i swear the guy had a gun,which ma brain triggered the run signal,all i know i was under the floor .

Drug No2:Weed[ganja]; hehehe still don’t get what the fascination with this over rated drug.it has the worst high u can ever have.intake:inhalation/smoking.Effects:hallucinations,numbness,hand moth coordination……i swear i tried eating a chapo and ended up wiping my ass with it”true story”
consequences:i started to see guys with big heads but they all sounded damn to me..ooooh an i had this fight with a kangaroo,which turned out the next morning. i really fought with ma door.dislocated index finger a and a swollen head and hand.guess i showed the door hhhh.

Drug no3:Xtacy:method of intake:pill,from there u can figure out yourself.effects/consequences:this is best explained by a story: ma friend Dj picks me up in the house @8am.me and ma hangovers get zero to eat.rush to Westland to a muhindi guy wearing a suit and alas the guy is a dealer.i thought this guy was going to buy me a pujabi mixed cd or something.fast forward its 7pm. we duck outside choices and pop the peel.it kicks in just as am bout to go down the stairs.fast-forward am downstairs with ma face on the cement.but i have never felt so happy,am grabbing random asses getting slapped.am feeling like those guys who were their,draws on the outside and tight pant[super heroes].fast-fwd am thrown out,get a melt down ma body is on fire.am seating like a mathafaka.and i woke up in a tub……..be the judge.

in short its always best to stick with stacey[beer]….. the worst that ever happened was wake up with a lady who wa like 45 yrs old… THATS BETTER RIGHT????????
my iQ is 121 i have cert to prove it…..lol

P!l0t

Posted in Uncategorized on November 25, 2008 by vipp3r
Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear.
—Ambrose Redmoon
Been the newbie in this blogging world, am expecting to step on some toes and squash some bugs while at it.for ma introduction piece am keeping things simple and introducing the characters on ma so called life,which for me seems mo like a weird dream that comes to un end every time the heads hit the pillow.Bare with me for a minute as i lead u down this strange path.
basically ma life is just like many other drunks out there,but the perspective i view it from makes it interesting i might say.here3 are some of ma main characters to this sequel of events..<have to use code names 4 the sake of keeping ma balls intact>

ST:[smooth talker/story teller] its the guy i grew up.the days of cha baba na mama.come to think of it this guy was smooth way baq then telling us to go and sleep,while he had the mama …..Damn!! this fool played  us and got laid b4 i new wot the dinga ling in ma pants was 4… hehehheh.and for me to be finding out now jus goes to show how early child hood drinking faqs up ur brain….POWER TO BOOZE!!

SK:[silent killer].. the guy got the name for the farts he used to chomoa,bt the lived up to hes name wen it came to getting mamaz in the club.. to the lad could sit quietly in a table fool of drunks and mamiz then end up chomokain with one of the fine mamiz in the table still.. a mystery.this guy then again has a tendency with falling in love with strippers

Dj:named for obvious reason.fetish fat chiqs -something bout the warmth in the and cushion for landing.i know that description fits a mattress,but believe me if u know this guy and the bangi he smokes that doesn’t need further explanation. alcohol consequences.. dial up mwaura.spank anything moving.


BG:{big money}this is the guy with the cash the clothes and  the zero game wen it comes to chiqs.. Its Great how life balances things out,coz if that guy had money ma drinking spree and the mobility would have been next to zero… this is the guy who buys pombe like there is no one else thirsty in the bar.oooh and this guy has a bratha jus the same as the guy so ill jus call the guy BG2

Santa:got her her name coz of her generousity.let me just say shes been around the bloq…mmmmh like 500times,but this chiq is the greatest company ever.as long as we have her around even wen th BG’s arnt around drinks get sorted,she got means..


Then there the Others pple who jus around to kip the rest of us bored or happy by beating them up or just taking  there chiqs 4 the sake of entertainment.
with this little blue print the postings ill right will make more sense.
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if it aint broken break it1

the forbiddeb FUNDS(fans)

Posted in Uncategorized on September 19, 2009 by vipp3r

shiet its ben a while and the fuckin apologies are as relevant as JESUS and LOL so F this and if out of my medioca drunken state i get laid please dnt gv me a quiz next morning

anywhoo my thots are shittin right now i am usually on my lvl 4-5 drunken lvl wen rightin this blog but now am in lvl 12 qnd my memory span is like 12 sec so let this b my most hadest shortest post ever but i will be back

3a5T C0aST ROCKDOWN…. AUG O9

Posted in Uncategorized on August 14, 2009 by vipp3r

its been a while blaa blaa bblaaa but am guesin after the vaction i took to the east coast i had to write down some special shit coz this waz one life time of a vacation.it has to be broken down in 3 parts So if there is anyone whos left that still follows my blog am watchout for the next shit comming real soon …. guess am BACk and were the hell are all the other bloggers no one is updating there pages…???

LONG LEAVE THE ALC …