When Nemanja Vidic does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

The chief export of Nemanja Vidic is Pain.

If you beat a team containing Nemanja Vidic in Pro Evo it will cause your PS2 to blow up.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Nemanja Vidic could use to kill you – including the room itself.

Nemanja Vidic once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.

For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Nemanja Vidic, each testicle is larger than the other one.

Nemanja Vidic grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.

Nemanja Vidic once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. It made him blink.

Nemanja Vidic played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

Nemanja Vidic puts the “laughter” in “manslaughter”.

Nemanja Vidic hates The Beatles; two to go.

Nemanja Vidic crossed the road. Nobody has ever dared question his motives.

Nemanja Vidic died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can’t get up the courage to tell him.

Nemaja Vidic once woke up in a foul mood. The result was the Yugoslav wars.

Some people get lucky and kill two birds with one stone. Vidic once killed four birds with half a stone.
What’s that? You say there’s no such thing as half a stone? The four dead birds didn’t think so either

Fergie didn’t drop Darren Fletcher, Nemanja Vidic dropped Darren Fletcher.

Nemanja Vidic doesn’t mark players, he permanently stamps them.

Nemanja Vidic once turned up for training late – Fergie fined the rest of the team for being early.

Nemanja Vidic doesn’t head the ball away, the ball heads the other way.

Nemanja Vidic can slam revolving doors. The ‘big bang’ was a Nemanja Vidic tackle.

Nemanja Vidic and Superman once arm-wrestled. The loser had to wear his underwear on the outside of his trousers.

Nemanja Vidic once visited the Virgin Islands . They are now The Islands.

The Black Eyed Peas were just The Peas until Nemanja Vidic heard their music.

There are no such thing as lesbians, just women who never met Nemanja Vidic.

The truth may hurt, but it doesn’t hurt as much as Nemanja Vidic.

Nemanja Vidic’s tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Nemanja Vidic, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.

Elton John oce met Nemanja Vidic, he is now gay

if you have £5 and Vidic has £5, Nemanja Vidic has more money than you

Nemanja Vidic sent Jesus a birthday card on December 25th and it wasn’t Jesus’ birthday. Jesus was to scared to correct him and to this day December 25th is known as Jesus’ birthday.

Nemanja Vidic once kicked a baby elephant into puberty

If Nemanja Vidic is late, time slows down

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Nemanja Vidic!

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Nemanja Vidic has allowed to live.

Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet with Nmenaja Vidic

Kids can write their name in snow, Nemanja Vidic can write his name in concrete

Nemanja Vidic has counted to infinity….twice.

Nemanja Vidic lost his virginity before his father did

b.c. 23/10/2008

I wonder how she would look naked’ was the first thought that crossed my mind when I first set my eyes on her. She had just dropped her cell-phone and she bend over hurriedly to pick it leaving my innocent eyes with no choice but to look at her heart shaped derriere.

If they say men think 50,000 thoughts a day, there was no way any of the other 49,999 thoughts would top the thought that I just had after that incident in the hotel restaurant. Some women put the danger in the word dangerous.

I was in Kisumu for a few days and was seething at the treatment I had received during the last three hours. The plane that I had booked had tried to bump me off after some more prominent Kenyans felt they deserved to be on the plane as they were expected by their constituents during the funeral rituals that they seemingly must attend each weekend.

No perfect imagery was necessary for the telling fact that the people we elected are more prominent when they come to bury us. There must be something we aren’t doing right!

I had checked into the hotel only to learn that they weren’t spared the electricity rationing that was still ongoing in this land. My laptop battery was as flat as my intern’s chest it gets and that meant that any last minute additions to my pilot script of the TV series were going to be on hold.

I had gone over to the restaurant and was sipping the rather horrid tasting strawberry iced tea on the account of the hot sun and engaging in flirtexting when my activity was interrupted by the curvaceous work-of-art woman. I wished my textual conversation had such an effect on a woman; making her phone drop in shock.

As she got back into a homo-erectus position, she, who had just been in a hum-dinger position glanced around with a half-smile playing on her face. If those Kenya Power and Lighting Company people had an iota of seriousness, they would tap all that brightness from that smile and generate enough electricity to make me charge my battery.

She walked over to the counter at the entry of the restaurant, let a few words elope from her mouth to the waiters ear -and only the waiters ear- and then pulled out a piece of paper from her bag and handed the piece of paper to the waiter. She pointed at her glittery watch and then she caused her hips to sashay out.

Interesting. There was need to waste a few more thoughts about the contents of the piece of paper but the iced tea tasted even worse and I decided to push it away. There was a newspaper at the table and I decided to while away my non-electric time.

Unfortunately, the newspapers continue to carry the same inane stories about the political circus.

‘What sort of name is Smokin?’ I thought to myself as the left side of my brain went: Guess the Kenya Anti Corruption Commission is now a ‘No Smokin Zone’!

I may have been engrossed in one or two more stories because when I looked up, there seemed to be some darkness creeping into the room. I tossed the newspaper back and it went over the table and landed at the feet of some guy who was walking in.

‘Hii stima inarudi saa ngapi!’ he thundered at the counter in quite an animated voice.

I had been asking myself the same question and I thought it wise to voice that fact.

“Alloys,” he said and offered his hand.

I often don’t press the flesh because it it so politician-like but in this case, I thought about the hand sanitizer up in the room and I said, what the heck. I also introduced myself.

“Good to meet you brother,” he said and shouted at the waiter to come over. Before long, some beer bottles introduced themselves to our table.

Before much longer, politics wormed its way into the conversation. Alloys was complaining how the crass ‘political class’ was playing with our lives. Apparently, he informed me that there was no consensus on the constitution that was being written.

“Recently, the Experts were at the Coast with political parties and they couldn’t even agree on whether Miguna and Kivutha should be part of the process. Who are those two anyways?”

Come on.

“They are the Principal’s Advisers on Constitutional Affairs!” I said.

Alloys didn’t even miss a beat.

“All the affairs that I have had are constitutional!”

Inevitably, the conversation entered the sphere of legality or otherwise of affairs. Alloys said that he was married but he was in town to spend time with a girlfriend. He let out a rich laugh and ordered another beer.

“It doesn’t bother you?” I asked.

You could discern that he was least bothered. And he went on to boast how he could never live in a country like Uganda that had tried to tinker with laws forbidding adultery.

“When I was in the States, I tried out the services offered under the website Ashley Madison. That kind of an open society pleases me! But it was expensive!”

I had come across the website after reading an Intellectual Property Law magazine that discussed their slogan: LIFE IS SHORT. HAVE AN AFFAIR.

Hmmm. Hmmm? Hmmm.

This was one to keep. I don’t know how to say this in a PC kind of way, but Alloys had the words ‘Potential Client’ written all over him. What next? Life is short, kill your rich dad?

“Auma is the name of the woman that I came here to see,” he said. “Well, not really to see, but to… you know…”

Life is short. Finish your sentences.

“I met her at a seminar,” he continued. “It was perhaps purely accidental but those who say a human can visually undress another and thereby make imaginary love at first sight were onto something that only Wet Wet Wet could surmise. I felt in my fingers, felt it in my toes and if she hadn’t quickly looked up, the feeling in my shorts would have grown”.

Tell me about it. I almost had one of those when I got where we were, I silently thought.

“It is…” I started but was brought to a halt when the lights came back on and there was a collective yelp from everybody in the place.

“My brother,” Alloys said. “This is going to be a lovely night. You know, in my community, you don’t eat in the dark. If you know what I mean!” and he laughed.

“I think I should get going so that I can charge my laptop,” I told him. I also really just wanted to get out of the scenery and take a shower.

“Hey Waiter!” Alloys shouted. “Bring me the room keys from the reception!”

The waiter asked him what room number he was booked into and he said it was 409.

Strange, I was in 410.

“Did you say 409?” the waiter asked. “I think there is a lady who left a message for you at the Counter”.

Strange, I saw a lady leave a message at the counter.

“And you idiots didn’t tell me!” Alloys frowned and asked for his message to be brought. His face looked mid thirtyish and he had some furrows across his forehead that multiplied when he frowned.

The frown dissolved into a smile as he read the message.

“She was here!” he announced and frantically reached for his cell phone. There was boyish excitement as he informed the party who picked the phone on the other end that he was at the hotel. “OK, I will see you shortly.”

Strange, some people call me OK.

We walked up to the rooms and I wished him a shagadelic night.

I had barely opened my suitcase when I heard a knock at the door.

I hadn’t ordered any room service. But that puzzle was to end as soon as opened the door to find Alloys standing there.

“Hey brother… do you have some merchandise?” he asked me.

Merchandise?

“I mean, condoms. I don’t want to rush to the supermarket now! You never know, these fellows could have stocked the Hot Contempo range!”

I didn’t have any merchandise.

“Oh damn”, he said and threw his hands in the air. “I have to go!”

I plugged the laptop and switched on the television and started channel surfing. There were the usual boring stories on the NEWS and a few uninteresting series going on. My new TV series had to be better than these series, Thought Number 49,800 for the day or somewhere close registered on my mind.

I then dialed for room service and placed my order after I finished my shower.

I may have dozed off because the next thing I heard was pounding on my door.

“Heeey,” I remarked and went over to open the door with my lips ready to utter the words: ‘Why did it take you so long’ to the Room Service chap.

Only it was not Room Service. It was Alloys! Naked! Well, almost naked, since he was wearing merchandise.

“Help me, please” he said. “Auma… she is not breathing!”

WHAT?!!

I followed him to his room and there lying naked on the bed was the same woman I had seen in the restaurant. Boy oh boy. Turned out that she had started breathing fast as Alloys touched and caressed her and he thought it was the usual excitement associated with love-making but when she went quiet then limp, it occurred to him that she was having some seizure. It was as if the lady of our dreams had misread the tagline to LIFE IS SHORT. HAVE AN ATTACK.

A panic-stricken Alloys had tried to revive her before running out to call for help.

It is a pity. Nobody teaches us what to do when someone on top of or under you suffers an epileptic fit or asthmatic attack.

It was also a lesson for me. Be careful what you wish for!

anywhoo my thots are shittin right now i am usually on my lvl 4-5 drunken lvl wen rightin this blog but now am in lvl 12 qnd my memory span is like 12 sec so let this b my most hadest shortest post ever but i will be back

LONG LEAVE THE ALC …

1:)As all who know me ,one thing is constant . I JUS LOVE THE BOOZE.i love alcohol so much that i can build a cult and dwell in it. here is how i fell in love with alc .wen i was 5yrs i went to amusement park got in the merrigo round got out feeling marvelous and wondered if there was some genius concoction to maintain the feeling and 6yrs later walla i started drinking,am(am hopping all that read this blogs don’t have the maths skill otherwise i sound like a disguise to society fabric… wooooiiii) but all in all am a functioning alcoholic.like some people need prayer and love to make meaning to their life. i just need pombe in ma lap.something that takes ma brain places.not something that makes me think about places….lol

2:) Am the laziest functioning man alive.i got my own house wen i was 19yrs jus coz wen i drink for like 5days in a row i dont need someone to tell me to do something for the next 24hrs.examples of my laziness

i:)once i lost my remote to the TV i jus dragged my sofa next to the TV rather than looking for the remote

ii:)when i get out of jobo and get in the house i find it easier just to remove my trouser and leave it @ the door, so that wen am leaving next day for jobo my car keys money wallet and phone is on my way out.

iii:)i once got into a fight with my chick, wen i was in a bar.and i jus had to get a hoe than apologize to her.not that am lazy its much easier .

iv:)i dont text to much work for my fingers period.

v:)in Campo i figured out its easier to kiss the geeks ass 4 1hr a day than to attend my lectures the whole sunlight time,and i got my degree hence the name functioning lazy ass.

3:) i function well @ night am nocturnal in my house has tvlight and computer to light it up..the only thing that has light in ma house is the fridge and my bathroom something about darkness and black jus thrill me.

4:)am not a people person… its jus not in ma DNA. everyone i know i have to meet them thru people i already know and i knew them thru the same process.and most people always mistake me for one of the three.snob,ass or shy. but thats them nothing funny to add to this so moving on smoothly

5:)i hate ignorance E.G racism,tribalism and anything that makes u hate a person for their choice .if u jus bring that up in me its like zero time and space 4 u.am already angry thinking bout it,be it against ethist gay,anything that stupid i jus cant stand people that ignorant

6:)i hate wen guys call women hoez or loose just because they gave a guy some.if u dint pay for sex don’t ever call a chick loose coz i love sex and if a chick has the same sex drive i have,i think she should pursue her happiness and hold her head high as is every other guy.most of my best friends are chicks lesbians and very sexually active and they are the realest people to hang out with.they have gotten me laid mo than the sabina joy cheap drill joint….lol

7:)i have problem with authority jus not good at orders,feel like invasion of my mind.the only authority i listen to is gover jus coz am scared of jail and gettin my ass virginity broken.coz i aint muscle so as long as am in jail i know ill be a bitch so 4 that reason i obey the gover,

8:)i love dumb beautiful gals with a passion ,,,,,, some friends of mine say i love them coz they make me feel smart.some say i love them coz they are easy to lay but… (am jus sayin am not sure but i just think its art from GOD jus the same way u look at art and say wtf all this cash for this and another guys says some shit bout colour and deph thats me with the artistic eye on deciphering god artwork)i really think god is a stand up comic in he’s day time job

9:) i love my sister to death more than my parents and even God .Coz i believe that people or gods that help u wen ur in ur on the edge of extinction deserve my life.other than some imaginary friend,society believe in.or people am supposed to respect due to society dictation (parents),, Am jus one bloody rational .believe in wot u put in and result and get my judgment…

10:)this last one is hard .funny how the net spoils and makes people am the latter met this guy on the NET back in the days L.I.R and he just gave me a new perspective in life and promoted some healthy competition.thru this i graduated had no job ,then he challenged me,and me being the non looser i am,he offered me to buy drinks and this was the same brink ass i knew now he was makin 30G’s after campo and am hustling for 100ksh to buy a K.E=65 and keg 25 to get me mind be running…lol . jus provoked me and did shit right left centre and gues what i earn mo than the motherfucker earn,though am no longer in my beloved country Kenya but am making mo money than the bugger. now our next goal is to retire by 30 as millionaires and MOF coz i know u be reading this get ready to loose ….

NB: this is the most i have felt invaded after that nite at lidos the strippers wekad me on the pole and violated me… dude talk bout getting molested ….lol nice bday though,SKAY of wazanasi can testify to this heheheheh

and this should explian why i dont spell check my blog so if u got shidas fuck u …….LOl

Once upon a time the bride use to be a loose plan for ma cuzo who is married  and after a while she decided the loose clande part was not good enuff and tried to pindua serikali… but long story she my cuzo decided the best way to get rid of her is dump her was to pigia the classmate a through pass and thats how the fairy tale begun…..????(but am guesin this is not the version they would tell their kids….lol)

Anywho the wedding

9am- my cuzo pick me up and we head to the brides Digs ,we get a phone call from the groom to pick up her mother ,and of we leave camera equipped and bottle of some cheap ass BACARDI SUPREME  and some good shit RED WINE(which for me i think its overprised cause all wine taste the same and leave u with a nasty hangy) we fika the grooms house every guy in there look hangied and half dead but surprising all dressed up and taking a nap ,it easy to tell they had a Good beachelor party.anywho pick up the mom take her to the digz do the kikuyu tradition stuff which made the neighbors in this obama land think we were bout to perfom a linching or some cult thingy

everyone heads to church and coz nowdays am a self proclaimed Ethist, i go to were i find ma peace liquor store

12noon

my phone rings and my cuzo is cursing me out @ the other end coz i left guest there while i was supposed to beba them to reception drive there quick found everyone has left and head to the reception  but stopped in a bar on my way there…(go figure) , am all fired up to meet some nice kenyan ass coz trangley enuff they dont have them in the menu @ my local pub.Me drooling claws shappened ready for some optical nutrition so…. get in with my bottle of maji but with the sweet Waters inside(POMBE) spot a chick like 6foot thee big booty small frame long hair ,and thot thats was enuff for optical nutrition,decide to make her the meat for the day

3.30pm

something something  the Tall brod said and then some lequoir and jus like that  we are on the same page and am very atentive.after  awhile i get my stach we start drinkin forget the wedding couple of  other brods join us,before we know it the wedding is  up and people are getting ready to leave and suddenly people think am the one with the planner for the evening party …blaaah blaaah blaaah, i get numbers and make plans to visit a couple of brods which is pure bull ,because there is know way am flyn to a dfrnt state to meet the same brod… nah …. not me

suddenly 8.30pm

we are at the marriage victim crib people are changing gals putting mad make up on ,while me to my true self jus getting busy with ma beloved alc… by this time i had no idea wat i was drinking coz all the liquor was in plastick bottles.maybe there was some changaaa…lol but wen u having fun and getting high who need to know wat u drinking…..lol

11pm

we are at this club SEATLE very nice club based on some frosty beeds theme, and it has like 80% Asians hot mummies ,Me and my small head forget my mother land mammies get onto hunting some fresh loosly laced drunk asian mamies,while occasionaly revisiting my beloved gals,long story short i got a degree(for the slow ones HEAD) and got busted by some kenyan mamiz who decided to bitch bout it,though i jus meet her few hours ago and ,i havent put a ring on her finger.she decides to make a commitee to the  kenyan mamiz that i apologise to them for being rude and some bullshit.me beeing the gentleman i am ,i ask for a minute to get ma head and speech strait

3,30am

I gather my cuzo and flee the club like a refugee…lol (funny how i apologise  to strangers who i met few minutes ago and are leaving in few hours to come.). i jus think the ladys had some cheap drugs or they were jus high on some female homones that i was not willing to findout.

4.00am

ME hungry ,my cuzo and a friend of his who is as slow as they come decided he will be buying us breakfast.and in turn tell him wat me and my cuzo do to command that much attention .my cuzo beeing the theiry guy decides to give out the lecture,am sitting there hungry almost blacking out ,while i spot some fuckin hooooooooT mamiz  dressed to kill .and i notify ema fellow drankards and ma cuzo being the teacher tells the guy to go try vybe them,the guy says how,and  am told to go show him how……………………………..

8.30a

My stomach is rumbling and  i wake up drunk and half naked (figure out which half….lol)am in bed alone but its not my bed ,(note to self: whehe what the hell did u u get Self into……lol  laugh)

stand up on the bed hit myself on the low hanging light ,some brod walks in and can baerly contain her laughter,she looks familiar so i assume she the gal from the food place,and the 1st thing she says is MOI  are u sure ur going to work @9.30  (note to self u funny bastards the best fake name i could come up with was for MZEE DANIEL ARAP MOI not bad).

ME TO Brod who am scared to ask her name ? did we do it?

she laughs and says get ready ill drop u home as i promised,.

{note to self this is how it feels to be chips funga,but atleast am getting a ride home}

NB:it sucks to be CHIPS FUNGA and mad respect to all the gals who do this

2:)  i actually think no man should ever call a chick a whore unless she pays cash 5mins b4 sex(am defendind ma self…lol)

3:) never get drunk and  be a chips funga if your working the next day(almost got fired when i was busted taking a nap in the washrooms…..LOL)

BAADAYE

KD… = i think KD moved out of her mom house and also out of The closet so im guesin shes to tired to type coz her fingers B doing the walkin HEHEHEHHE HAHAHAHHAHA

ORINEUR (or something close to that)= this am not sure but rumour has it that she had a freak accident and her brain accidentally fell into her TUMBO……lol

CHIQUITA === I THINK SHE QUIT AHHHHH……!!!! LOL

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men
======================
Archer = i think this guy lost his man bag and with it went hes ideas brain and confidence ….. hehehehe

Bella== this guy is suffering from lack of NAps and some emotional commitment that and according to he’s blog it safe to say BELLA =NAPS + NO WOMEN+ POOR PERFOMANCE IN BED + LOOSE PLANS
easily put remove one element and hes NUTS (BALLLS)……. LOL

P4WNED= this am true to this guy is suffering from pussy lashes of the nyahunyoz (whipps ) talk bout a chick grabbing a nigga buy the balls… to p4wned …. nigga ur PUSSy……LOL

GREAMHOUZE= rumour has it his waiting for his big comeback on mothers day no idea why but thats true….LOL

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and with the apove am off to a dark HOLE to hide….. LOL

SEE YAH

coz i think people apologise to make themselves feel good and free of the guilt.which means that its actualy a selfish act…. thnk bout it?